Scattered

oneword: laughter

2011-11-21T15:38:00.001-05:00

I used to be pretty good at making people laugh and entertaining them. Maybe I have gotten too serious. I used to have more patience as well. I find myself losing patience with people in situations that I did not use to lose my patience. Maybe its because they took advantage one time too many. Maybe I just need to work harder, and dig deeper to find that patience...and that laughter.

oneword: flare

2011-11-21T15:35:00.001-05:00

Signaling for help. A small sign of hope, or perhaps one of warning. One thought, one moment...can bring it all crashing down in an instant. The threat weighing heavily down upon you. One wrong step...and it could all crumble around you. Hanging on for dear life...you take one last shot, and hope someone out there caught site of it.

oneword: flare

2011-11-20T11:27:00.001-05:00

i used to pride myself on my accessories. like a good office space groupie, i called them my pieces of flair.

but they should have been pieces of flare.

ready. to ignite.

oneword: husband

2011-10-31T00:16:00.001-04:00

... not quite yet. but there is hope.

oneword: still

2011-10-28T22:34:00.000-04:00

i was sick of couch potato still. sick of tired, aching, self-pity still. sick of being sick still. sick of numbing a brain, dead from stress, with reality tv and that 70's show reruns still. sick of running around all day - rich in movement for the good of others - but leaving no choreography for me still. well. no more. but still.

oneword: artistry

2011-10-27T09:59:00.003-04:00

swirling acrylics pasted to the canvas. creating and swishing and swirling, so excited about this creation, this new start. excitment, nervousness and a little bit of fear. what if it is terrible? what if it is a mess? what if it is not what I want? what then? do i wipe the canvas and start clean, or is that more scary than trying to fix what is there? what if i start again and it is worse than what was previously there?

oneword: artistry

2011-10-26T22:56:00.003-04:00

Not just art – good art. The implication of skill. Talent. A standard. But of what, exactly? Technique? Originality? Realism? Emotivism? I may have just made that last word up. I digress… sometimes my favorite works of art are the ones that come out nothing like how I wanted them to. I suppose that means I am an amateur. Good.

Artistry

2011-10-26T20:24:00.002-04:00

Ripples of color, light and sound breeze by me like a breath of fresh air. Smallest details turn my heart into lava bubbling with excitment and passion at the mere prospect of the creativity about to wash over me, like a cold ocean wave that is both terrifying and invigorating all at the same time.

oneword: shepherd

2011-10-26T01:23:00.001-04:00

Grab me by the hand and lead me through this because i do not know that i can navigate this on my own. I feel like I am messing everything up, and have broken things beyond mending. I do not feel like i am a good person any more. I have made poor choices. If i had it to do over again…I would do it differently. What’s done is done, and I must live with that, but I dont know how I am going to get through it. It tears at me from the inside. I need to find my way back to good.

oneword: shepherd

2011-10-25T23:03:00.000-04:00

Push. Pull. Guide. Lead. Shape. Facilitate. Appreciate. Yes, I still masturbate. But far less frequently. I suppose I need to work on that. Did I ever consider myself a shepherd? No. More like a persistent, whiny person who liked to tell people what to do. Things have changed. But I am still whiny.

oneword: robot

2011-04-20T13:33:00.001-04:00

what i fear i’ve become.

through routine and complacence i’ve developed a thin metallic shell; a wall between me and everyone else.

my actions premeditated; my reactions predictable.

it’s time to be a little more human.

oneword: rocket

2011-01-24T23:59:00.000-05:00

from far away you look like the mystic thing i need to fly among the starz i so wish i could be. but closer up you are nothing but hard metal and burning flames - a materialistic shell of scientific means. do all of my dreams crumble under realistic schemes to make the ims possible and the moons beam?

sew it seams...

oneword: endless

2011-01-20T18:46:00.003-05:00

drive. passion. flair. work ethic. whatever you call it... mine is endless. over achiever. go getter. freak who needs a life. how do you manage? of course you came in on your day off. suck up. why do you always have an opinion? why do you always have to share it? is there anything you aren't involved in?

i get it. i make it crystal. fucking. clear. that you aren't doing as much as you could be. and that bothers you. much easier to blame me. much easier for you to make me look like i am the exception. than for you to step up your game. than for you to push a little harder. sweat a little more. and sacrifice some of that precious facebook time.

oneword: recipies

2011-01-18T22:45:00.003-05:00

this parade leads with ingredients that step in time to satisfy needs. to become that happy homemaker your mother never thought you could be. preheat that oven - it isn't actually that horrible of a metaphor - i was hot and ready to go before i had the right ingredients to cook with. that, and the only things i knew how to make were cookies. i watch myself stuff face with the sweets from my past that are so unhealthy and bad for me... and while i am trying to eat right now, that void can't be filled with broccoli.

... no matter how good it is for me.

oneword: wake

2011-01-12T16:40:00.004-05:00

somehow simultaneously the death of a loved one and the birth of a new day. somehow i am not looking forward to the latter lately. the beginning of a new year leaves me right back in the mess i desperately wanted to leave behind. too many balls in the air, too few hours in the day. even socializing feels like too much of an effort right now. oh cliched depression, how i've missed you. if there is one thing i have learned in the past year and a half, it's that you are a cyclical being. your lust pounds down on me in waves... my longest running love affair. i still quiver in your wake.

namesake

2010-12-21T16:00:00.002-05:00

feels of forever since
i've seen your faces,
touched your soft places,
read your minds,
enjoyed your lines.

i've made like a
counting crows song
around here.

sorry, mom.
sorry, Jesus.

ghost

oneword: grown

2010-10-08T11:51:00.002-04:00

These baby buds of hesitations and self deprecating questions have been nurtured over time.

By thunderstorm water cans, rainy day sunshine and selfish boy miracle grow... vines now climb to the moon and blossoms are rich and in full bloom.

This garden feels like home and seems to satisfy all of my needs, but upon a closer look the vines are thorned and the flowers are all really just weeds.

Stepping back from the moment

2010-09-30T08:58:00.002-04:00

Stepping back from the moment was I think a sign of maturity, and sense. That surprised me as much as the impulse that prompted the stepping back. Mid sentenance I noticed her lips, and a forgotton memory eased free. An involuntary smile flitted across my face, and a gently laugh was surpressed.

Her lips were familiar in the way that a mother is familiar if you have met the daughter. She had the same lips that Mel had. Except she was a woman, and Mel is still a teenager, and ever will be. Mel was my first kiss. Mel is the standard all others are measured against. Mel is still 15, even though I have grown on.

I can still remember the sensual nature of that kiss, and fancy that the taste has never really left. But most of all I remember the big feeling from those small gentle lips. How could this little person have such power, and how could such a small little part of a person evoke so much.

And here in front of me is a stranger with the same lips, (but the adult version). So I had to step back. To enjoy the memory, and to ensure I did not get lost within it. Such Tempation! I have quietly added this moment to the memory of Mel, and will enjoy it on the quiet afternoons this winter. A little warmth to keep the blues away.

oneword: hostage

2010-09-24T15:05:00.002-04:00

you've returned, and as always, are holding me in fear. i want to flee for my life, but you have cemented me right where i stand. i am stuck. i cannot move forward and there is definitely no turning back. i hate you for this. i hate you for this.

one day i will break this hold you have over me and i will escape. i will never be afraid of you again.

overdosing

2010-08-18T21:55:00.002-04:00

maybe i could just overdose on mediocrity and start again.

i think i'm the only one i know who dreams in equations.

God, i hate math.

ghost

oneword: flashback

2010-08-09T14:37:00.001-04:00

blink your eyes and your transported to a moment in time that haunts you. you can't shake it, you can't escape it. that moment you regret. you were afraid and now you'll never know. it eats away at you. you are reminded of that moment you didn't take what you wanted. steal it away into the night. you freeze frame on that moment. that one fucking moment that you had your opportunity to take it over. where you chickened out. and you snap back to reality. to now. this moment. and you realize...how long ago that was. let it go. live in the present moment. live here. live now. And you vow not to let another one of those moments pass you by. WAKE UP!

oneword: maid

2010-07-27T20:25:00.002-04:00

Clean and purge this body. Empty out the dust, the dirt, the defenses. Shine some light into the shadows, and scatter the parasitic doubts. This is the time for rebirth, regrowth, rejuvenation. This is the time for me to emerge as I was meant to be. Glowing and radiant with the knowledge that I am in control. I am ready.

oneword: strung

2010-07-26T23:07:00.000-04:00

tense and sharp like the strings were pulled too tight. badly out of tune and madly — full of fight. rings around fingers around necks. screaming lyrics of a lust that hasn’t happened yet. out and up and turned around… where yesterdays happen tomorrow and the sky lives underground.

oneword: secure

2010-07-11T21:54:00.002-04:00

One day I would love to feel completely free to be who I am. I am afraid that I am not good enough...for anything, or anyone. I am working on that though. I am working to one day put myself ahead of other people. I am working to believe in myself, and to believe that I am a good person. I am working on my self esteem, and trying to build it. I would say re-build it, but it was never really quite stable. I think that I have spent entirely too long thinking the worst of myself, and hating myself. I am trying to learn to love myself and to respect myself. I am working to look myself in the mirror and like the person that is looking back at me.

oneword: trend

2010-06-30T21:04:00.002-04:00

Like elastic bent into stupid shapes and colors, these things that fade in and out.

Beating to the tunes of our childhoods, adolescences, and adulthoods.

Vh1 devotes hours to poking fun. They're used as conversation pieces at parties, hidden deep inside the sea of red cups and Jungle Juice.

It's almost like we forget how much the trends define our lives--in all of its stages.

So salute the Silly Bandz, the Pogs, the Tamogotchi's, the Blackberry's, the I-pods, the Beanie Babies...not just because, for a brief moment, they've managed to bring us all together, but for the memories they've passed along.

oneword: wash

2010-06-14T11:18:00.001-04:00

Every once and a while I need to wash myself clean, taking all of the grime that no longer serves me so I can move forward with a fresh perspective.

Yesterday, I started with my apartment. I cleaned, I vacuumed, I did laundry, I lit a candle, and could finally breathe. I still have so much to do, but this is a start.

oneword: balloon

2010-05-19T19:38:00.003-04:00

I used to be scared of balloons. Okay, not balloons themselves--not their floatiness or their celebratory power...but the sound of them popping. And the fear that they would. I was also scared of fireworks, fire engines (especially when Santa Claus rode through my neighborhood on one around Christmas), and thunder. Any loud noise, really. No matter how expected. See that's the thing. Most of the time...we see this stuff coming. And I chose to cower.

Thank God for the maturation of my ear drums.

oneword: depth

2010-05-06T17:22:00.001-04:00

Strip yourself of unneeded layers, fill your lungs with air, close your eyes, and dive into the depths of your imaginings. Swim around in them. Flip, swirl, and roll. Open your eyes down there, watch how everything seems to blur and mold into a beautiful alternate reality. When you come up for air, remember what it looked like. Remember what it felt like. One day it will surface and you will thrive.

oneword: chained

2010-05-05T10:48:00.003-04:00

After so much excitement, so much relief, so much truth telling and exploration, this ball and chain is still here. It is still digging into my flesh, even more so, and I wish more than ever that it didn't exist, that it never existed in the first place.

If only my wish could make it real. If only dreams coming true were that easy.

Turns out it's hard work, and the pretty, pastel picture I painted for my life--the one that is making me gag at the thought--is even harder to escape. This is going to take more effort than simply making a decision. It is going to take action. Follow-through. Faith that all if it is for the right outcome, the real right outcome.

Until I lose myself in that faith and that action, all at the same time, no time, and all the time, I will be chained to the nagging, splenda-sweetened, good life. The one I've spent so long convincing myself I should live.

oneword: detour

2010-05-02T14:14:00.000-04:00

this is no detour. this is paying your dues. writing this paper is all i have to do. it's all i need to keep my on this path. to get to that place where i can do what i love all the time. i will try to stop complaining. i should be grateful that this is the only thing in my way. it's just a fucking paper.

oneword: fireflies

2010-05-01T11:03:00.006-04:00

sometimes the music makes the words better.

oneword: industry

2010-04-28T19:56:00.000-04:00

in dust, we try to rise up. in hope, we try to get going. in fear, we lie back down.

in love, we do it over and over.

oneword: blocks

2010-04-26T18:41:00.003-04:00

Built high and bold, in all sorts of shapes and designs, I create my world. When the foundation lacks the appropriate strength, or when my elbow inadvertently gets in the way--when the blocks tumble to the ground, I look at the new patterns emerging, I take a deep breath, and I begin again. This is not a loss. It is not a set-back. It is just a step in the process. Step by step, piece by piece, block by block, I am building the future I desire. The future I deserve.

she died yesterday

2010-04-09T20:31:00.002-04:00

i've known her for ten years. i haven't seen her in a year or more. she died yesterday.

ah, malorie, you are gone too soon. rest in peace, sweet sweet girl.

ghost

oneword: cranky

2010-04-05T07:50:00.002-04:00

normally, i am bitter, angry and upset at the world. right now, though, i am sitting in an okay place. even if it is only momentary. i am grateful to see some light in the darkness that i have existed in. nothing is fixed and none of my problems have vasnished, but i did something for me to take care of myself, and i am proud of myself for my accomplishment. i am going to ride that high out before i become cranky once again.

one word: runaway

2010-03-24T23:45:00.003-04:00

if only i could escape. if i could run far enough, fast enough. maybe i could escape this life. i have found that you reach a point at which you become incredibly aware that you cannot go on, and cannot survive where you are. you have no choice. backed into a corner...you are left with a choice...fight or flight. i don't have enough left in me for this fight. i don't have much left in me at all these days. broken down and tired,i am afraid that all i am capable of these days is running. feeling my feet hit the pavement as i make my escape from this life, from this unfortunate situations. well, these unfortunate situations that have become my life. i was unaware that a human could feel this unfufilled, unhappy and alone. i find myself in this dark place. it is like living in a cave,except none of the benefits of truly being by oneself are present. and so i run.

oneword: roll

2010-03-24T17:44:00.001-04:00

Rocking and rolling, ebbing and flowing. I am movement. I am active, not passive. I am doing, not planning. I am making things happen rather than promising that I someday will.

oneword: keychain

2010-03-15T21:38:00.002-04:00

The quintessential symbol of my childhood. We used to clip them all onto our belt-loops and walk around with gaudy miniature beanbag animals and humorous quips like "Good girl gone bad." It wasn't so much about emotional attachment as showing off.

The fad replaced with the necessity of closing and locking up, whether that be ourselves or where we live. And suddenly, we realize, we've become that much more closed off. That much farther away from what used to be fun and creative. That much less...free.

oneword: myself

2010-03-14T16:17:00.003-04:00

I could keep saying it to myself, waiting until you are sound asleep to murmur it into my pillow, and then rolling over in frustration because I know that you aren't ready for it. And that maybe we aren't ready for it to have gotten that heavy. And that maybe if I say it, you will run.

But maybe putting it out there in a place where you won't find it would help me release some of this pent up romantic energy.

I love you.

Did I tell you about her eyes?

2010-03-06T13:10:00.002-05:00

Did I tell you about her eyes?
Dipped deeply in cobalt blue
and left free of obvious lies.
Simply unique and simply true.

Did I tell you about her eyes?
Coyly shown when we first met,
more inspiring then all the skies.
Her place in my world was set.

Did I tell you about her eyes?
Empty of all cruel intent
Filled with thoughtful cries.
Her honest reflection is sent.

Did I tell you about her eyes?
And a sadness found deep in there?
The break in her soft disguise,
Part of that she hides with care.

Did I tell you about her eyes?
How I fell there and was lost?
How she took away my lies?
And my tears fell at last?

Tell me about her eyes,
Least I forget.

John Thomas rule(d) my (early) life.

2010-03-06T13:09:00.001-05:00

(Originally written in 2004, tweaked today)

For some reason this morning I am preoccupied by my John Thomas, third leg, or to be clinical about it, penis.

I am preoccupied by the fact at over 30 I still have very little control over it. In many ways I am (or should that be he is) like an adolesent. Unless you have your own you may find this hard to understand. It is indeed an appendage flying it's own flag of independance, and no matter what steps are taken will 'salute' that flag as and when (and wherever) it feels is appropriate.

You are never really given any solid advice on how to deal with this, and the triggers are inconsistant to say the least. At school during sex Ed we were forced to watch videos on this subject. And the girls where all invited.

The advice was in fact terrible, and only served to increase our already well developed insecurity in to a life long affliction. I remember clearly being told that we should during our teenage years "wear tight jeans or trousers to reduce the visibility of an involuntary errection" and "to distract ourselves by doing something else such as whistling". This did of course lead to playgrounds full of 14 yr olds in tight trousers whistling the latest chart hits. (And lots of giggling girls who had seen the same advice)

What they producers of this astute video obviously had not thought about is the actual appearance of a straining salute through tight jeans. It's just as obvious as the whistling. In fact loose trousers at least had the benefit of allowing you to put your hands in your pocket to grab the offending organ and try to control it. Slightly more practical and pleasurable then your tight jeans.

It is really no wonder that the Victorians used to cover up table legs least they arouse the passion within young men. Anything can, and occassionally still does, trigger this wonderful act. In fact it is amazing what can set of the skyward glance - any glimpse of previous cover flesh, your best friends mum, that slightly naughty novel owned by your parents, the slap you received from the fiesty girl of the class, dinner ladies, odd shaped salt pots...and on it goes.

... or it doesn't. Unfortunately, while for 99% of the time you can't stop it, this is always balanced by the 1 time it refuses to co-operate. Normally when it should be raring to stand upright and proud, it can be counted on to be having a bad day. Remember that first fumble? I am not sure what the ladies will have been thinking but I guarentee all the lads where willing their penis to become the largest, grandest and firmest it had ever been. Probably to the point they become paranoid it wouldn't work and that caused the sweat - not the heat of the moment.

There would have been that tense moment as she (gently / timidly / forcefully / aggressively)laid her hands upon it - the make or break moment. Stand or sink. Salute or stone. Her cool hands make contact and... you can bet the resultant cheer (Success) would be heard a mile away. As would the aggonising scream as your penis decides not to play.

And will probably stay this way for the rest of our lives. Just wait until the penis becomes Viagra immune. It will happpen - trust me.

oneword: idiot

2010-03-01T08:45:00.003-05:00

how incredibly stupid do i feel? this end all be all thing that i believed in, my whole outlook...how could i have been so wrong? everything i believed in was a complete waste.

and now the situation i have found myself in...i never thought that i would end up back here again.

i can seem to move. i am trapped here in this. i am trapped by me. i am the only one that can get me out of this, and i cannot seem to move.

i feel so stupid, and helpless. i know i am neither, and yet i feel powerless to remove myself from this situation. i cannot for the life of me figure out what is keeping me here...other than an extreme fear of upsetting her. that's all. it seems so dumb.

i can say this...my outlook has changed. i have changed. i will never be this foolish again.

oneword: inspired

2010-02-27T17:06:00.003-05:00

watching what has been accomplished and the distance that has been covered in such a short amount of time. going from just talking about something to actually doing something about it...that right there is the stuff dreams are made of.

not being the person that is standing there trying to figure out how to take that giant leap of faith.

taking that first step, oh so fearlessly.

i've been paying attention. now its my turn. to jump. to leap. to fly.

Drops

2010-02-25T11:11:00.001-05:00

Tear plops
The world stops
And my heart flops
When your face drops

Let's change these rain drops of sadness to joy drops of gladness.

As soon as everyone drops
Their excuses

oneword: drops

2010-02-25T07:36:00.002-05:00

one by one as they hit the smooth surface, and you dare to step in. i let them hit my face, hoping that each one will pull me further and further from the daze that i have found myself living in. dwelling in. hoping with every splash that it will wash it all off of me. it has been there so long, that i am encrusted in it. everyday, i wake up a little more. i am finding myself closer and closer to being free from all of it. one drop at a time. i get closer.

oneword: brother

2010-02-04T22:34:00.001-05:00

what a loaded word for me.

in short, the ideal to which i can't live up.

on the other hand, i'm not sure i want to.

oneword: storage

2010-01-27T23:28:00.001-05:00

Not too long ago, I opened the torn-up duffle bag for the first time in ages.

I carefully pulled out old tights, ripped and frayed, unwrapped my last pair of point shoes, with a brown blood spot permanently stained into the pink satin. I unfolded leotards and leg warmers and sweaters. I leafed through an old book of notes, choreography, dance steps.

It all smelled musty, the years of stagnancy in my parents' basement emanating from every fiber. It all reeked of stillness, neglect.

I pulled that bag out of storage, not too long ago, and it's not going back. I might add a few new items to the mix, a few new skills, definitely a slew of new tricks.

I am stretching out stiff muscles. I am getting my blood flowing again, for real, for the first time in far too long. And even though my body might take a little while to rejuvenate, to become what it was and more, right now, my spirit-body is twirling and leaping for joy.

oneword: tofu

2010-01-24T17:22:00.003-05:00

Just another thing I was told long ago, sold on the healthful, genuine goodness of this manmade food... So much of my existence lately is deciding whether or not to believe in the fairy-tales of my past--wanting so much for the utopia to be true, to believe that purity and perfection exist.

But maybe, just maybe, the utopia sold to me was the wrong one, if for no other reason than it was theirs, not mine.

I do not need over-processed, watered-down, let-me-protect-you-from-yourself nourishment any more. Expecting me to take you at your word--because you know how hard it can be and how bad it can get--doesn't nourish me; it is eating me from the inside out.

I'm just baffled it took me this long to discover the truth I should have known from the start.

(OH-eeee-oooo....KILLER TOFU)

oneword: pills

2010-01-23T19:44:00.002-05:00

that pucker on her lips isn't there in hopes of a kiss. sour and slumped - no grind. and NO bump. she overfills her days so she can sleep through her nights and emotion overspills into her mind so she can justify her plight. she sits in her puddle of pity pool party excuses and i remember when i was the one spouting the stream of 'it's no use's.

oneword: options

2010-01-22T07:19:00.002-05:00

i find that its never the options that stump me in life, its always the decision...and sticking with it. things are fluid, always moving and changing. i still sometimes question decisions that i made ten years ago, and where i would be if i had chosen differently. some of the decisions, made in the snap of a second, i am grateful that i made those decisions. one in particular was a little like jumping out of a plane. once it had been made and the words spoken, there was no going back. i had to trust in myself that i would locate my parachute in time so i didn't splat face first onto the ground. i feel like i just might be at the door looking at that long drop once again. and i am not so sure i trust myself these days.

oneword: options

2010-01-21T22:49:00.001-05:00

I could clam up. I could crawl back into this hole of self-denial. I could listen to the voices of doubt and "reason" and stick it out. "Most people don't do something they really want until they're much older." What is that bullshit? I'm sorry. But I believe that I have more options than waiting until middle age to be happy.

oneword: pour

2010-01-18T21:50:00.002-05:00

It's our nighttime conversations that spill into my daytime dreams.

I've drunkenly poured out my heart to you more than a couple of times now. Those texts that I laughed off and voicemails that I pretended I didn't leave?

All, so true.

I fear that I may be falling out of like and into the beginnings of that l-word that has eluded me for the past three years.

Please don't knock me off the table.

oneword: major

2010-01-15T22:58:00.002-05:00

Decisions I made, years ago, combining elements of my interests and loves. I tried to create a logical pathway, to funnel my journey towards a contrived, institutionalized version of success. But the farther I traveled down that road, the farther I moved from my Self. My Spirit shriveled inside the supposedly stable participant in the economic machine.

And now, as I move away from this chosen path to the alternate reality, the real reality, I walk away from a steady paycheck, benefits, and retirement funds--into an unknown. I walk away from the "right" job and the "right" life, to something less predictable but more me.

Someday, I hope those majors, those decisions from long ago, will meld together into something new and magical. I hope they will still serve me, that they are not for naught.

Until then, I step forward, one move closer to my Truth.

oneword: latch

2010-01-10T20:30:00.002-05:00

shutting out these insecuri-keys.

locking the door steadfastly behind me.

i turn and see your pale reflection, waiting to tackle me onto the couch and play with my hair.

breathe in. breathe out. in. out. in-out. inout.

done.

oneword: burst

2010-01-09T00:07:00.001-05:00

seams pushing; expanding.

trite in its explanation yet true in its execution.

with tensile strength exhausted i find my bubble (life) completely (and permanently) altered.

a whitewashed fence now swims in your colors.

oneword: stack

2010-01-01T12:52:00.000-05:00

new years resolutions. piled up hopeful and high with the promises of a better future than i may have let myself believe i was worthy of having.

here it goes. man up.

oneword: discreet

2009-12-31T13:28:00.003-05:00

i have never been very good at being subtle. never. sneaky maybe, but not so much on being subtle.

i am even worse at picking up on subtleties. if someone is attempting to send out subtle signals...or even obvious ones...i miss them. not because i just don't want to see them, or because i am not paying attention. its more of a self doubt issue. i don't trust myself.

i'd love to correct that one day, but where would one begin to repair that sort of damage?

Oneword: Circuit

2009-12-28T09:47:00.002-05:00

I'm fascinated that my mind hasn't exploded from the amount of information that's thrown at me each day. It's like playing a never ending game of catch. I'm sweating. And quickly, and quite inadvertently I'm now thinking of what medication I'd prescribe myself if this were indeed a problem. They've conditioned me quite well. They've created a circuit within my brain. One thing leads to another. You must narrow everything down, but not completely. You must keep this and that in mind. The circuit is still foreign to me, but I'm at the stage where my eyes are wide open and I can almost salivate upon command.

I can't wait
till I'm in complete control.

oneword: blinds

2009-12-27T14:27:00.003-05:00

not really vertical. not really horizontal. this is not quite so cut and dry. more than friends, but a little less than lovers.

i am peeking through the cracks of the blinds to see what's really there, but i'm too afraid to wrench them apart and open myself to the possibility.

Oneword: Blinds

2009-12-27T13:18:00.002-05:00

I stumbled upon your scattered site to browse. I stumbled along to read, but today I had the intention to write. I was going to mold the word, that oneword of the day into something that I wanted to write about. I was going to shape that piece of hard, store-bought clay into something that was soft, warm, and malleable. Today's word though, blinds... reminds me of a past beautiful morning. I refuse to not write about you. The blinds created a shadow upon our bodies as the sun shone through. The warm sun. The happy smiles ...the smiles. It feels like yesterday. Yet it was two years ago. A memory that won't leave. Funny how those work. I'll never forget that beautiful morning where we made the shadows beautiful and you made them into art.

oneword: lantern

2009-12-16T14:20:00.001-05:00

light the way down these dark, haunted cooridors. hand me my freedom in light. show me the way the way to be brave, and soothe all of my fears. pave for me the way to let go. hold me so tightly engulfed by your heat. shine me to salvation, and poof. you'll be gone.

oneword: transmit

2009-12-15T06:42:00.002-05:00

this frequency that i am on is a direct result of what is being emitted from every pore on my body. i feel a bit like i am drowning in every aspect of my life right now. i am just barely treading water in all directions to stay afloat.

i need to change my frequency and put something a little more positive out into the world. but at this moment i have not a clue as to how.

oneword: transmit

2009-12-14T20:25:00.000-05:00

ET-phone-home me into a new universe.

Please?

Transmit

2009-12-14T09:08:00.001-05:00

This makes me think of STIs and I'm not proud of that fact.

Maybe my mind will transmit some non-sexual thoughts into the atmosphere sometime in the near future.

Somehow I doubt that though. I will continue to daydream about carnal desires until my Amazon.com shipment arrives, wherein I will explore poetry and the meaning of life.

Naked.

See, and you thought I had a breakthrough already.

oneword: arrived

2009-12-12T20:53:00.002-05:00

At first, I wanted to say that she is starting to emerge, but that would be continuing to put it off--making more excuses for NOT being, NOT doing ME. So I will say that she really has arrived: the voice hiding within me; the spunky, imaginative, irresistible little girl; the sometimes joyful, sometimes pissed-off, but always emotionally engaged woman; the long-awaited, never fully forgotten version of me.

And the strangest part about it all is that I'm actually not terrified....

texture

2009-12-11T09:10:00.000-05:00

under my fingertips I feel your rough edges
as much as I try to smooth them out, you won't let me
"they're what makes me me" you say
all the while the texture of my heart is being roughed up by your sandpaper words
I hope it never smooths out

oneword: stem

2009-12-09T18:01:00.003-05:00

From one silly thought comes a foolish dream. And from that dream comes an idealistic desire. And from that desire comes my will to get up and fumble my way through each day, biding my time until all of the silliness, foolery, and idealism becomes my reality.

And from that reality will come the most breathtaking flower I have. ever. seen.

oneword: pedal

2009-12-06T10:56:00.000-05:00

pluck these pretty piece of me
off one by one; need by need.

wear me down slow, work me in quick.
don't let any body know about it.

disappointments turn into doubts
and i think that now i've figured it out:

swear yourself to secrecy
but the bottom line is that
you might just be

... embarrassed to be seen with me.

oneword: bee

2009-12-02T14:20:00.001-05:00

the only thing i can thing of is, "fuck bees."

oneword: fold

2009-12-02T13:05:00.001-05:00

you've called my bluff. i resign this hand. relish this moment, as I will not resign another.

oneword: trasnparent

2009-11-30T07:27:00.001-05:00

i see right through to you. you can mask things any which way you'd like, but it won't make a difference. you can even lie to yourself about it, but it won't make a difference. you are who you are.

oneword: spotlight

2009-11-24T14:18:00.002-05:00

“no more lonely souls under changing leaves, and no more weary wrecks seeking harmony”*

for so long i’ve been wilting; malnourished; an aimless noctivagant

and now here i am (finally) at the boundary
there is white hot (blinding) luminance in front of me, and inky blackness behind me
i express default doubt (a lamentable crutch)

my toes are on the edge of the circle
i am unspeakably terrified and ineffably euphoric
i shield my eyes, hesitantly

*hwm

oneword: spotlight

2009-11-24T12:54:00.002-05:00

front and center with all eyes on you. your heart pounds and your stomach starts to churn. your hands no longer function properly, dropping things. you even start to panic a little. short of breath. a moment of silence, a deep breath...

ready.set.

:strum:

Spotlight

2009-11-24T10:27:00.000-05:00

Stoplight in this spotlight. Another time to get into the limelight. Another chance to get over this stage fright and fight for a chance to stand out.

oneword: spotlight

2009-11-24T09:51:00.004-05:00

i can see you clearly now.

... hadn't really been focused before. you were a side note annoyance. something to just deal with... from time to time.

not anymore.

my skin crawls now. painfully -- acutely aware of your presence.

behaviors put themselves on exhibit! just like symptoms on a medical chart. thrust forward. directly. in my face.

sorry. i know. psychology students think they know everything.

must i make case studies out of everyone who puts me

... on a pedestal?

oneword: spotlight

2009-11-23T21:32:00.002-05:00

there is this intensity about me that scares a lot of people away. it's like a spotlight-heavy beam of concentration that i can aim toward all the different performances I make in my day-to-day. the problem is that i can only see or do so much at once.

i'm finding that i have missed a lot.

oneword: stripes

2009-11-23T19:38:00.001-05:00

Yikes! Stripes! Fruit stripe gum!

oneword: stripes

2009-11-23T13:01:00.002-05:00

there's a scar on my arm where my ex wife tried to kill me with a butcher knife. its 10 years old but still white on sun tanned flesh. it's strange to consider now, that i thought that was how marriages went. my mother stabbed my dad in the face with a fork. my cousin tried to kill her man with an iron. i thought it was par for the course.

i think it's high time i changed my stripes.

ghost

another word: habit

2009-11-23T08:20:00.002-05:00

... it creeps back into my internal clock. to wake up. to sit here, patiently. waiting to ignite the keys beneath these... fingers rooted like trees. to remember that there is a beauty about me.

oh! well come home, starz.

oneword: stripes

2009-11-22T20:03:00.001-05:00

painted on this paper tiger. in the all too familiar pattern. as if you couldn't read it all over my face in every word i say, every step i walk, in every look i give to you. it bleeds in streaks with every pump of my heart. i have finally stood up and earned my moment. i have earned my rank in this establishment.

now give me my damn stripes. i believe that i have more than earned at least that.

oneword: stripes

2009-11-22T18:52:00.003-05:00

black. white. black. white. paint me up and down... separate my tomorrows from yesterdays. but i never meant it in the way we say "this is right and you are wrong" because sharp contrasts bleed grey down here... underground. each line of color, threaded tightly to the next... we are not just a random sequence of events.

signpost

2009-11-22T09:37:00.002-05:00

and it goes on and on, this ragged phantom caravan. relationships blossom or implode like tiny novas, shaking us to our very cores. and nothing changes and yet it's all different.

i wonder who we will be next time...

ghost

oneword: overflowing

2009-11-22T09:15:00.003-05:00

this feeling comes over me in waves.

crashing down upon me over and over again.

the build up of what remains, long after the wave has come and gone.

that is enough to keep me hoping.

and somedays...i fill up with that hope, all the way up to the tippy top.

and even rarer still, but when it happens...its brilliant, i bubble over.

oneword: overflowing

2009-11-21T13:04:00.003-05:00

there is always this eminent sense of return about me. i thought i had lost it--that overflowing need to sit down and hammer out another episode from the black squares beneath my fingertips.

and suddenly, i realize, i am running.

running because still, after all this time, i have not dealt with it. with this. with that. with anything.

there are things about me that i can never tell a soul in words. but the keys? don't lie.

oneword: handle

2009-11-20T10:21:00.002-05:00

there is a limit as to how much burden one person can shoulder.

everyday i question myself as to whether or not i have reached mine.

i almost always tell myself no, and pretend i am superwoman and that i can take it, whatever it is.

i do have days that i am not superwoman, and i do reach my threshold. what i can't seem to handle seems more to be accepting that i have one, and that i just can't handle something...at least not on my own.

oneword: handle

2009-11-20T09:45:00.000-05:00

instincts pull me to type "i can't handle this."

but is that force really instinct... or habit?

i have been playing the self doubt card for too long. especially because i know that it has been a front from the beginning.

i can handle this. and whatever else you want to throw at me.

... i guess the cop out has been that i didn't really want to.

oneword: eternal

2009-11-19T19:36:00.002-05:00

my lasting hope that this life holds something better for me than my current reality. that my heart isn't wrong this time. knowing deep down that the tiny shred i am holding onto, that keeps me believing is still there and i am still holding on.

oneword: eternal

2009-11-19T19:18:00.002-05:00

(actually) nothing.

but in the in between meantime between now and nothing
there are infinitesimal moments of (seemingly) infinite duration

and in that ephemeral instant of inconsiderable length and indescribable impact
(i didn’t know where you’d be, and then i saw you)
time (and my heart) stopped (i was so scared) and nothing moved

actually nothing.

oneword: eternal

2009-11-19T13:08:00.000-05:00

forever and ever amen threatens to begin again and this time i have to pretend that i am more secure than previously mentioned and what happens if i let all of this in and it falls tragically by the wayside of "friends" and i give up on on this dream of blank space and hidden grace and this magical move to become who i am takes me farther away from where we could have been and now he + she only = me.

oneword: weird

2009-11-18T13:27:00.003-05:00

oh please. like this word is supposed to make an impact anymore. watered down, overused and underappreciated. yeah. you heard me right. too many people call themselves weird now. that whole empowered anti-cool coolness type bullshit. get a new angle.

oneword: sugar

2009-11-16T09:58:00.003-05:00

one of the ways in which our tastebuds break down how we taste things. nothing is ever as satisfying or described in such a positive light as sugar. never is anything coated in the bitter taste of a not quite ripe piece of fruit to make it easier to handle...but sugar, seems to make the world seem better and brighter.

it comes in so many forms, but one of my favorite ways...cotton candy. its fluffy, and it dissolves right on your tongue.

oneword: sugar

2009-11-15T17:19:00.001-05:00

Hypnotizing. Tempting. Sweet. But under all that, is a substance lulling your defenses into a false sense of security.

oneword: acting

2009-11-14T13:56:00.002-05:00

we are all acting in someway...for some reason. we hide behind masks and persona's for protection or our own agendas. what good does it really do at the end of the day to keep hiding? sometimes it just makes it worse. if you spend enough time acting...how will you ever stop and just be who you are? how does one stop after such a long time? so you continue on, knowing that those that care about you and really know you...can see right through it all.

oneword: acting

2009-11-14T11:09:00.002-05:00

...is a way to make moments of life happen. It adds breath and truth to words on a page or ideas in a brain. It allows a person to explore him or herself AND someone or someTHING else, all at once. It is magic and organic and lovely. And we do it everyday, on purpose or not.

oneword: gallop

2009-11-11T16:57:00.002-05:00

racing,hell for leather, speeding away from something that is on your heels. its so close to catching you and knocking you down and tear you to shreds so that nothing, but a shell of who you are remains. you are running so hard your chest is pounding and your lungs have reached their limit, but if you miss even one stride, you are caught...so you continue running, chasing freedom that will one day be yours. run, gallop, and don't lose faith for one day that sweet freedom will be yours.

oneword: incense

2009-11-08T20:55:00.001-05:00

Streams of earthy scents twist into the air, weaving in and around my tense fist and furrowed brow. My adolescent insecurities tangle with the certainty of history, culture, and the ever-present spirit within. Breathing in, deeply, meditatively, I am a yogi-in-training.

oneword: oven

2009-11-06T18:43:00.002-05:00

preheated and awaiting the golden crust. the warmth.there is most definitely something cooking...the ooey gooey goodness that comes from it. i think i want to be there for that. i want to be a part of it. i WANT that.

oneword: arrow

2009-10-31T12:37:00.001-04:00

The physics of it all. The fact that you can pull back, shoot, and wind up somewhere totally different from where you intended.

I am guessing my aim has been more than a little bit off.

oneword: stall

2009-10-20T18:40:00.003-04:00

i was making progress in leaps and bounds. then i hit a wall. i stopped moving. my life just stalled out into a world of nothingness. all of the things i loved, and cherished just kinda faded out of the picture. i've woken up in the same place, not moving, everyday for more than one year in a row. how does one un-stall their lives and kick it back into motion?

i jump out of planes and ride horses and am learning to ride a motorcycle to keep in touch with the fact that i am alive. i exist too much these days. i want to remember how to live again. really live.

oneword: trot

2009-10-15T19:31:00.000-04:00

We started at a slow crawl, sometimes not moving at all. We'd drag ourselves a few feet and then collapse, in a pile of our own indecision. But then something happened. A spark. A realization. A something. And then we picked ourselves up, got on our feet, started speed walking, trotting, jogging... and now.... who knows how far and how fast we'll move.