... inconsistent

constant. never. only on occaision. when i least expect it. sometimes. every other time i try. when i want it bad enough. when he is lonely enough. when the timing is right. when my eyes are closed.

is this all a dream?

inconsistent

in constant flux is a state of inconsistency. vibrating colors of clarity. each a bubble rising up from the sea. into the abyss of eternity.

... hometown

trapped. voluntarily home grown, fed and bored to tears of this place. so comfortable and stable because i am used to it. i expect it. i can handle it because i have my whole life.

it's time to fuck myself up a bit in NEW ways.

... own: take three

i'm taking ownership of my idiocy. i'm admitting that i'm scared and that i'm lonely and that i have been putting all of that before my responsibilities as a friend.

all i can say is that i'm sorry and that i'm trying. i really am trying.

... own: take two

just fucking own up to it, already. everyone knows that you've been lying about this since, what- february?!

it's not cute. it's not dramatic. it's acutally rather dull, predictable and boring.

wait. maybe that's why you don't want anyone to know...

... own

copyrights don't mean anything. like sequences of words can be a possession. something that belongs to you rather than the collective consciousness that most people seem to live day by day without acknowledging let alone appreciating and don't ever tell me that i said it first or that you never said it at all.

... hush

keep them secrets, boys and girls. don't let anyone know.

don't let anyone know how much you are scared. how bored you are with them. how much it kills you to watch this.

shhhh.

... current

the current state of affairs does not exist.

because as soon as you attempt to describe or explain it... your new awareness and perspective changes it.

... brick

bold, burnt and rough. piece by piece we build these walls around our hearts, our fears, our dreams, all of our vulnerability is hidden beneath this chalky and brash covering. no one even likes the look of the things but yet we keep building. keep building.

keep piling the shit on top of itself.

convenience

convene and connive in secret solidarity. move the pieces to your convenience.

... convenience

relationships are always a matter of. demographics. location. timing. whoever is closest. whoever talks first. whoever is willing to open themselves up and make that connection.

that's all love is. a matter of convenience.

... fabric

sewn together, piece by piece and thread by thread turning and twisting around each and every one of us lonely dreamers trying to create something bigger and better than each of us as tragic individuals and i wrap myself up in this cloak that seems to hide me from everyone and everything and remember what it was like when i didn't feel so alone.

... direct

my intentions and words were always this way with that infinite "he." it's a shame they are never any match for me. and that i trample over their hearts... leaving them broken and still longing.

and leaving me
still to be

... alone.

spare

spare my life. take it upon yourself to ease my the pain that you insist upon inflicting. this may not be a physical death. no. but it will be an emotional death, if you refuse my pleas to stay.

... spare

i don't need the details at all... but lord do i love them. being able to piece together a more complete mental image really does solidify all of the random, fleeting thoughts the imagination can come up with.

... surface

it's all hiding right below the surface of my everyday interactions with the people in my life. some sub-plot. some mystery to uncover. some puzzle to solve. then i'll understand it all and maybe even be happier and better off. maybe.

but what if the hokey pokey is what it's all about?

... blender

mixed drinks. limes, lemons, cherries and all the other cute touches we add to our alcoholic escapes. summer time. poolside. tanned bodies that make me feel bad about my white, freckled stomach.

it's only july 5th and my summer is over.

blender

sunday morning I was washing the blender... actually, it was more of a rinsing with a quick wipe down... and I jabbed my right ring finger down upon the vortex blade. It sliced deep into my fingertip and underneath my fingernail.

... urge

we gently urge you to hold onto the guard rail as you are gliding through this tunnel. we more actively encourage you to hold your tongue as you bite your bottom lip, avoid eye contact and contemplate the floor. please.

it will be better for everyone this way.

... wary

of leaving? maybe.

but in the same sense i am wary of staying. never knowing. never living. somewhere else. anywhere else. the signs are all there. the need is there. the means, the opportunity... everything.

but the fear and doubt... it's still there too.