Oneword: Security

To feel safe and sound. Like someone has your back other than you.  That your have a protector to watch over you.  To feel like nothing is going to get you...financially, with your heart, physically, mentally, emotionally.

oneword: active

I used to be an active, healthy person, then my world completely exploded. My eating turned to crap food, and suddenly there was no time or motivation to work out. I had GUNS. It was awesome. I had abs. Like awesome ones. Also awesome. I shall get there again. I need to focus. Focus on my food, focus on my activeness, and not drink every night. Sounds easy, but right now it is easier said than done. I need help.

oneword: flare

Signaling for help. A small sign of hope, or perhaps one of warning. One thought, one moment...can bring it all crashing down in an instant. The threat weighing heavily down upon you. One wrong step...and it could all crumble around you. Hanging on for dear life...you take one last shot, and hope someone out there caught site of it.

oneword: artistry

swirling acrylics pasted to the canvas. creating and swishing and swirling, so excited about this creation, this new start. excitment, nervousness and a little bit of fear. what if it is terrible? what if it is a mess? what if it is not what I want? what then? do i wipe the canvas and start clean, or is that more scary than trying to fix what is there? what if i start again and it is worse than what was previously there?

oneword: shepherd

Grab me by the hand and lead me through this because i do not know that i can navigate this on my own. I feel like I am messing everything up, and have broken things beyond mending. I do not feel like i am a good person any more. I have made poor choices. If i had it to do over again…I would do it differently. What’s done is done, and I must live with that, but I dont know how I am going to get through it. It tears at me from the inside. I need to find my way back to good.

oneword: hostage

you've returned, and as always, are holding me in fear. i want to flee for my life, but you have cemented me right where i stand. i am stuck. i cannot move forward and there is definitely no turning back. i hate you for this. i hate you for this.

one day i will break this hold you have over me and i will escape. i will never be afraid of you again.

oneword: flashback

blink your eyes and your transported to a moment in time that haunts you. you can't shake it, you can't escape it. that moment you regret. you were afraid and now you'll never know. it eats away at you. you are reminded of that moment you didn't take what you wanted. steal it away into the night. you freeze frame on that moment. that one fucking moment that you had your opportunity to take it over. where you chickened out. and you snap back to reality. to now. this moment. and you realize...how long ago that was. let it go. live in the present moment. live here. live now. And you vow not to let another one of those moments pass you by. WAKE UP!

oneword: secure

One day I would love to feel completely free to be who I am. I am afraid that I am not good enough...for anything, or anyone. I am working on that though. I am working to one day put myself ahead of other people. I am working to believe in myself, and to believe that I am a good person. I am working on my self esteem, and trying to build it. I would say re-build it, but it was never really quite stable. I think that I have spent entirely too long thinking the worst of myself, and hating myself. I am trying to learn to love myself and to respect myself. I am working to look myself in the mirror and like the person that is looking back at me.

one word: runaway

if only i could escape. if i could run far enough, fast enough. maybe i could escape this life. i have found that you reach a point at which you become incredibly aware that you cannot go on, and cannot survive where you are. you have no choice. backed into a corner...you are left with a choice...fight or flight. i don't have enough left in me for this fight. i don't have much left in me at all these days. broken down and tired,i am afraid that all i am capable of these days is running. feeling my feet hit the pavement as i make my escape from this life, from this unfortunate situations. well, these unfortunate situations that have become my life. i was unaware that a human could feel this unfufilled, unhappy and alone. i find myself in this dark place. it is like living in a cave,except none of the benefits of truly being by oneself are present. and so i run.

oneword: idiot

how incredibly stupid do i feel? this end all be all thing that i believed in, my whole outlook...how could i have been so wrong? everything i believed in was a complete waste.

and now the situation i have found myself in...i never thought that i would end up back here again.

i can seem to move. i am trapped here in this. i am trapped by me. i am the only one that can get me out of this, and i cannot seem to move.

i feel so stupid, and helpless. i know i am neither, and yet i feel powerless to remove myself from this situation. i cannot for the life of me figure out what is keeping me here...other than an extreme fear of upsetting her. that's all. it seems so dumb.

i can say this...my outlook has changed. i have changed. i will never be this foolish again.

oneword: inspired

watching what has been accomplished and the distance that has been covered in such a short amount of time. going from just talking about something to actually doing something about it...that right there is the stuff dreams are made of.

not being the person that is standing there trying to figure out how to take that giant leap of faith.

taking that first step, oh so fearlessly.

i've been paying attention. now its my turn. to jump. to leap. to fly.

oneword: drops

one by one as they hit the smooth surface, and you dare to step in. i let them hit my face, hoping that each one will pull me further and further from the daze that i have found myself living in. dwelling in. hoping with every splash that it will wash it all off of me. it has been there so long, that i am encrusted in it. everyday, i wake up a little more. i am finding myself closer and closer to being free from all of it. one drop at a time. i get closer.

oneword: options

i find that its never the options that stump me in life, its always the decision...and sticking with it. things are fluid, always moving and changing. i still sometimes question decisions that i made ten years ago, and where i would be if i had chosen differently. some of the decisions, made in the snap of a second, i am grateful that i made those decisions. one in particular was a little like jumping out of a plane. once it had been made and the words spoken, there was no going back. i had to trust in myself that i would locate my parachute in time so i didn't splat face first onto the ground. i feel like i just might be at the door looking at that long drop once again. and i am not so sure i trust myself these days.

oneword: spotlight

front and center with all eyes on you. your heart pounds and your stomach starts to churn. your hands no longer function properly, dropping things. you even start to panic a little. short of breath. a moment of silence, a deep breath...

ready.set.

:strum:

oneword: stripes

painted on this paper tiger. in the all too familiar pattern. as if you couldn't read it all over my face in every word i say, every step i walk, in every look i give to you. it bleeds in streaks with every pump of my heart. i have finally stood up and earned my moment. i have earned my rank in this establishment.

now give me my damn stripes. i believe that i have more than earned at least that.

oneword: overflowing

this feeling comes over me in waves.

crashing down upon me over and over again.

the build up of what remains, long after the wave has come and gone.

that is enough to keep me hoping.

and somedays...i fill up with that hope, all the way up to the tippy top.

and even rarer still, but when it happens...its brilliant, i bubble over.

oneword: handle

there is a limit as to how much burden one person can shoulder.

everyday i question myself as to whether or not i have reached mine.

i almost always tell myself no, and pretend i am superwoman and that i can take it, whatever it is.

i do have days that i am not superwoman, and i do reach my threshold. what i can't seem to handle seems more to be accepting that i have one, and that i just can't handle something...at least not on my own.

oneword: eternal

my lasting hope that this life holds something better for me than my current reality. that my heart isn't wrong this time. knowing deep down that the tiny shred i am holding onto, that keeps me believing is still there and i am still holding on.

oneword: sugar

one of the ways in which our tastebuds break down how we taste things. nothing is ever as satisfying or described in such a positive light as sugar. never is anything coated in the bitter taste of a not quite ripe piece of fruit to make it easier to handle...but sugar, seems to make the world seem better and brighter.

it comes in so many forms, but one of my favorite ways...cotton candy. its fluffy, and it dissolves right on your tongue.

oneword: acting

we are all acting in someway...for some reason. we hide behind masks and persona's for protection or our own agendas. what good does it really do at the end of the day to keep hiding? sometimes it just makes it worse. if you spend enough time acting...how will you ever stop and just be who you are? how does one stop after such a long time? so you continue on, knowing that those that care about you and really know you...can see right through it all.