oneword: angels

broken. naked. i miss your presence. pure in ideal - sinned in practice. wounded. aching.

your deaths are so hard...

because you actually dared to live.

oneword: dispute

round and round this circular conversation continues...its been ongoing for almost two and a half years. one year in, i knew this was not going to be a healthy battle. and yet, i still find myself fighting against what i know is healthy for me. why? is this some sort of self inflicted pain that I get some sort of enjoyment out of? is it some strange and twisted version of a sense of duty. whatever the cause, why can't i seem to let it go? will i ever be ready for that? i hope so. even if its not tomorrow or the next day...i hope its some day soon.

oneword: heartbeat

ba-dum. ba-dum.

kiss-him. tell-him.

fall-for...

.....?

oneword: vows

I am surrounded.  Everywhere I look, there they are. More people are taking them and entering into that thing we call marriage. And as more people do that, the questions start to stir. When will you find someone? When will you take the plunge?

While I can't answer that question, I can say this: I vow to do what is right for me.

That, I can promise.

That, I can do.

oneword: track

up.
left. right.
down.

if it were left up to me, i'd rush right down to his place and do all the things he promised. but more likely than not, this is just another case of crisscrossed tracks that take me for a ride and ultimately deposit me nowhere. i am keeping my smart self inside tonight.

oneword: fake

the way you look at me. hungry. under the breath comments. under the table texts. behind their back offers to share your bed. because sleeping next to someone is so much better than sleeping alone. because every other girl had already gone home. your attraction is not real. it's horribly boring. and that's why i say no. not because i am afraid... but because you are.

oneword: match

"Stop denying that you aren't just like him. You never come home enough to see the good in him. Just like sometimes I have trouble seeing the good in you."

Sometimes, my brother's philosophizing hits me like a ton of bricks. I am no match for these inevitable genetics that I can't see, let alone acknowledge.

oneword i wish i hadn't missed: glitter

shiny pieces of first grade fantasy. shaken and glued in attempts to make this thing. look pretty.

oneword: suffocate

hold me in. tight. deny me that one thing that i seem to have too much of right now. air. space. the freedom to do whatever. the fuck. i want. please. pull me back. cause i'm getting lost. i've been living in this confined space for so long now. i miss feeling like i can't breathe. that was home.

oneword: alarm

For some reason, this strikes me as a stupid word. It doesn't elicit any metaphor or symbol in my head worth writing about, and I fear that being too literal would be a vapid welcome-back-haze to the world of scattered.

All I can think about is the 19 year old kid at work today who walked right out of the store with stolen books in his arms, setting off the security alarm, and everyone just watched him do it. Even me. What is wrong with people?

oneword: glitter

Sparkles speckle her face, taking the place of freckles and acne. They scatter about, untamed and beautiful, shining bright the true being underneath the thick, weathered skin.

oneword: cabin

Sometimes I want to go hide up in a cabin on a hill. All by its lonesome, glorious in its possibilities and quiet. Sometimes I want to shut it all out, so I can look around within. But do I have the balls to truly look at what I find?

oneword: whirl

You blink once, twice, and a whole life passes by. This thing called time is elusive. It evades logic and planning. It exists in a space all its own, waiting for the rest of us to catch up, to figure out our sorry little existences. Time flies by while our worries whirl us into the status quo.

oneword: rumour

The whispers flutter about, wrapping themselves around me. They swirl and swivel, flip and flop, from air current to air current. Surrounding, circling the trunk of my core. My roots claw into the earth, trying desperately to ground me in some semblance of reality. My branches reach out, grasping at air, at truth. But the whispers, the questions, the hurts, the challenges push me and pull me at their will.

oneword: scout

One of my favorite characters of all time. A young girl, challenging all cultural norms--about being female, about being white, about living in the south, about life. She inspires me and reminds me a little of my younger self.

...of my true self.

That spunky, loud, rough-and-tumble girl. That girl who questions and feels deeply, for everyone and thing. The one whose imagination takes over and gets her adrenaline pumping, allowing make-believe to meet reality. The one who gets stuck in a ridiculous, giant ham. The one who trips, falls, and stumbles around until a faceless, nameless someone helps her up and out of danger. The one who embraces the phantom as family, whole-heartedly and without question.

Scout. I love her.

oneword: satellite

It would be nice to get clear signals on a regular basis. I mean, the interference, the delays, the calm before the storm is getting a bit overbearing. Clarity. That's what I'm after.

At least I see it now.

oneword: satellite

He always seems to be there, hovering on the outskirts, beaming in a message or two whenever he senses that my life has gone a little bit awry.

The problem? He is fleeting. I see him shine across the horizon for barely an instant, until he zooms off again until the next time.

And the next. and the next.

If his light wasn't so brilliant, if his smile wasn't so gleaming, I wouldn't care so much. The fact is, I am more comforted by his momentary visits than the thought of him not being there at all.

oneword: towel

suck me in, absorb me, quick. like a warm towel after a cold shower or a flame attaching to a burnt out wick.

ick. the problem there was that i really wanted to rhyme quick with dick, but feel as though i should stop focusing on male woo woo areas right now.

sigh.

oneword: saving

Every paycheck, I have been dutifully putting money away. I watch the sum grow, month by month. Waiting there for some future waiting in the wings. I wonder what it will be used for. Will it go toward a perpetuated inertia, a future, a plan that seems logical and safe? Or will I find a way to start dutifully saving small increments of my well-being, too?

Because without a safe sum of me put away somewhere, I'm not sure the money will be worth a damn thing.

oneword: meter

thump thump bump rump. slow it down, please. keep that hip hop heart beat in rhythm with the tick tock (you don't stop). but! the meter made me do it!

ok. that's a lie. it wasn't the meter. it was the way he looked at me.

my brain may have told romeo to fuck off, but my peach fish has a slight difference in opinion...