Oneword: Regain

A return to many things or a few. Perhaps a chance or opportunity to return and pay respects. Maybe regain a conversation started, paused and never resumed. Many years ago I wrote amongst these pages, and other filled with starz. I had lost sight of the things around me, before me, and behind me. I could not place a foot softly down for fear of breaking the surface of my fragile world. Some of those scattered here read my words, responded and allowed me to regain it all.

Thank you. You have my respect, and should you need it my words.

R

Oneword: Security

To feel safe and sound. Like someone has your back other than you.  That your have a protector to watch over you.  To feel like nothing is going to get you...financially, with your heart, physically, mentally, emotionally.

oneword: active

I used to be an active, healthy person, then my world completely exploded. My eating turned to crap food, and suddenly there was no time or motivation to work out. I had GUNS. It was awesome. I had abs. Like awesome ones. Also awesome. I shall get there again. I need to focus. Focus on my food, focus on my activeness, and not drink every night. Sounds easy, but right now it is easier said than done. I need help.

oneword: grateful

I have having a really hard time remembering to be grateful lately. I really need to work on that. My life at work is clouded in to-do lists, stress, and there is no peace. I know I should be grateful to have a roof over my head, and have a job, but...I just am not these days. I am constantly stressed and on the verge of a nervous breakdown, or an anxiety attack.

oneword: laughter

I used to be pretty good at making people laugh and entertaining them. Maybe I have gotten too serious. I used to have more patience as well. I find myself losing patience with people in situations that I did not use to lose my patience. Maybe its because they took advantage one time too many. Maybe I just need to work harder, and dig deeper to find that patience...and that laughter.

oneword: flare

Signaling for help. A small sign of hope, or perhaps one of warning. One thought, one moment...can bring it all crashing down in an instant. The threat weighing heavily down upon you. One wrong step...and it could all crumble around you. Hanging on for dear life...you take one last shot, and hope someone out there caught site of it.

oneword: flare

i used to pride myself on my accessories. like a good office space groupie, i called them my pieces of flair. 


but they should have been pieces of flare.


ready. to ignite.

oneword: husband

... not quite yet. but there is hope.

oneword: still

i was sick of couch potato still. sick of tired, aching, self-pity still. sick of being sick still. sick of numbing a brain, dead from stress, with reality tv and that 70's show reruns still. sick of running around all day - rich in movement for the good of others - but leaving no choreography for me still. well. no more. but still.

oneword: artistry

swirling acrylics pasted to the canvas. creating and swishing and swirling, so excited about this creation, this new start. excitment, nervousness and a little bit of fear. what if it is terrible? what if it is a mess? what if it is not what I want? what then? do i wipe the canvas and start clean, or is that more scary than trying to fix what is there? what if i start again and it is worse than what was previously there?

oneword: artistry

Not just art – good art. The implication of skill. Talent. A standard. But of what, exactly? Technique? Originality? Realism? Emotivism? I may have just made that last word up. I digress… sometimes my favorite works of art are the ones that come out nothing like how I wanted them to. I suppose that means I am an amateur. Good.

Artistry

Ripples of color, light and sound breeze by me like a breath of fresh air. Smallest details turn my heart into lava bubbling with excitment and passion at the mere prospect of the creativity about to wash over me, like a cold ocean wave that is both terrifying and invigorating all at the same time.

oneword: shepherd

Grab me by the hand and lead me through this because i do not know that i can navigate this on my own. I feel like I am messing everything up, and have broken things beyond mending. I do not feel like i am a good person any more. I have made poor choices. If i had it to do over again…I would do it differently. What’s done is done, and I must live with that, but I dont know how I am going to get through it. It tears at me from the inside. I need to find my way back to good.

oneword: shepherd

Push. Pull. Guide. Lead. Shape. Facilitate. Appreciate. Yes, I still masturbate. But far less frequently. I suppose I need to work on that. Did I ever consider myself a shepherd? No. More like a persistent, whiny person who liked to tell people what to do. Things have changed. But I am still whiny.

oneword: rocket

from far away you look like the mystic thing i need to fly among the starz i so wish i could be. but closer up you are nothing but hard metal and burning flames - a materialistic shell of scientific means. do all of my dreams crumble under realistic schemes to make the ims possible and the moons beam?

sew it seams...

oneword: endless

drive. passion. flair. work ethic. whatever you call it... mine is endless. over achiever. go getter. freak who needs a life. how do you manage? of course you came in on your day off. suck up. why do you always have an opinion? why do you always have to share it? is there anything you aren't involved in?

i get it. i make it crystal. fucking. clear. that you aren't doing as much as you could be. and that bothers you. much easier to blame me. much easier for you to make me look like i am the exception. than for you to step up your game. than for you to push a little harder. sweat a little more. and sacrifice some of that precious facebook time.

oneword: recipies

this parade leads with ingredients that step in time to satisfy needs. to become that happy homemaker your mother never thought you could be. preheat that oven - it isn't actually that horrible of a metaphor - i was hot and ready to go before i had the right ingredients to cook with. that, and the only things i knew how to make were cookies. i watch myself stuff face with the sweets from my past that are so unhealthy and bad for me... and while i am trying to eat right now, that void can't be filled with broccoli.

... no matter how good it is for me.

oneword: wake

somehow simultaneously the death of a loved one and the birth of a new day. somehow i am not looking forward to the latter lately. the beginning of a new year leaves me right back in the mess i desperately wanted to leave behind. too many balls in the air, too few hours in the day. even socializing feels like too much of an effort right now. oh cliched depression, how i've missed you. if there is one thing i have learned in the past year and a half, it's that you are a cyclical being. your lust pounds down on me in waves... my longest running love affair. i still quiver in your wake.

namesake

feels of forever since
i've seen your faces,
touched your soft places,
read your minds,
enjoyed your lines.

i've made like a
counting crows song
around here.

sorry, mom.
sorry, Jesus.


ghost

oneword: grown

These baby buds of hesitations and self deprecating questions have been nurtured over time.

By thunderstorm water cans, rainy day sunshine and selfish boy miracle grow... vines now climb to the moon and blossoms are rich and in full bloom.

This garden feels like home and seems to satisfy all of my needs, but upon a closer look the vines are thorned and the flowers are all really just weeds.