oneword: paperback

I wish he was as easy to read.

oneword: knot

I am knot lovely--a mess of threads and twines of busted beds and lying lines, of twists and turns from nervous wrists and carpet burns.

A knot inspired. A knot that's tired.

So knot complicated.

oneword: wanted

to walk into a room and have your pulse immediately speed up. you feel a pair of eyes on you. you can feel the direction in which they are pulling you. you attempt to act natural. you avoid that direction at first, its just too much to take on. you feel something in side you expand to the point of bursting. your chest tightens and breathing becomes strained a little. and so the dance begins. who will waiver first. building higher and higher with every second. you can feel it get closer. every sense is heightened. just when you think you might explode...from behind you...

hi.

hi.

oneword: wanted

wanted:

a reason not to do my homework. to stay up late and smoke cigarettes on my back porch. to cook fancy meals. to buy cute underwear. to write love songs. to upgrade to unlimited text messaging. to agonize over a mixed cd. to change my sheets more regularly. to avoid puddles out of fear of being splashed.

a reason to stop onewords like these.

oneword: anxiety

the whole of me tingles with her sweet everythings. she whispers them in my ears and they ring and sing in octaves my stone steel colored alto voice could never hope to reach. and i call myself a realist to hide the deprecation behind a carefully woven cape of confidence that is true but full of swiss cheese arguments and for you literal readers that means there are massive. gaping. holes.

oneword: anxiety

It seeps in the tiny, forgotten crevices of my consciousness. It slips into my fortified world and crashes through my confidence where alongside moments of majesty, I find myself shaking and small.

oneword: collar

pop it.

bubble gum burst, baby. green glitter flecks of trouble bubble in your eyes. the haze of new city lights clear. fear ignites, among other things burning inside me now. my mind is no longer free... to focus on me.

i envision marks of my lipstick dancing on your collar, neck, cheeks, lips... there has been a rip in my time space continuum.

please. tear slowly.

oneword: bleep

censored scripts leave boring lips afraid to feel all the way to each of their finger tips. we hide seek and leave each other weak and waiting hating every nail bitten hail storm smitten second of it. i see you over there boy.

... i've been waiting for you.

oneword: cigarette

this was my major vice. that and coffee. used to be necessary for me to do anything. if i was happy i wanted one. if i was sad and crying my eyes out. i wanted one. it held onto me. nothing had ever had such a tight grip on me before. but it was the one thing, day or night, that i could depend on. i knew it would be there to comfort me. nothing else in my life has been as steady or as reliable. its an awful habit, and now if i had one. it would just make me extremely high and nauseous. they are now longer necessary. i suppose every vice could be viewed like that though. if you can break the habit...they become no longer necessary in your daily survival.

i'm keeping the coffee though.

oneword: fate

it may be stupid, or possibly naive...but i believe in fate. i still believe in meant to be and love at first site. i still believe in true love. sigh

oneword: bars

first, i thought about jails. then, i thought about drinking.

i'd rather think about the music. the way it runs together and through me, pumping out notes that speak out and up and yell everything that i want to say but can't.

oneword: gym

i have a feeling i am going to spend even more time in the gym these days. i can keep my brain from going, and i can distract myself there. i can work out my feelings and frustrations and fears in the gym. i do my best hiding in there. building the strength of my body in hopes that the inside will match the outside. i always feel better after the gym. its like sitting down to have a good cry, but without the tears and i end up feeling better about myself, and not quite so pathetic.

oneword: angels

ultimately, the walking wounded that you have forgotten to appreciate until its way too late. its beyond the point of saving when you have realized this. the time is limited to try to make up for it, but there is never any way to truly make it up. they forgive...they always do, even though they know it will never be enough to make up for it or take away the hurt. a little more breaks off each time. just a shell of broken pieces like a jigsaw puzzle. who will be their angel? who will help them put the pieces back together?

oneword: angels

broken. naked. i miss your presence. pure in ideal - sinned in practice. wounded. aching.

your deaths are so hard...

because you actually dared to live.

oneword: dispute

round and round this circular conversation continues...its been ongoing for almost two and a half years. one year in, i knew this was not going to be a healthy battle. and yet, i still find myself fighting against what i know is healthy for me. why? is this some sort of self inflicted pain that I get some sort of enjoyment out of? is it some strange and twisted version of a sense of duty. whatever the cause, why can't i seem to let it go? will i ever be ready for that? i hope so. even if its not tomorrow or the next day...i hope its some day soon.

oneword: heartbeat

ba-dum. ba-dum.

kiss-him. tell-him.

fall-for...

.....?

oneword: vows

I am surrounded.  Everywhere I look, there they are. More people are taking them and entering into that thing we call marriage. And as more people do that, the questions start to stir. When will you find someone? When will you take the plunge?

While I can't answer that question, I can say this: I vow to do what is right for me.

That, I can promise.

That, I can do.

oneword: track

up.
left. right.
down.

if it were left up to me, i'd rush right down to his place and do all the things he promised. but more likely than not, this is just another case of crisscrossed tracks that take me for a ride and ultimately deposit me nowhere. i am keeping my smart self inside tonight.

oneword: fake

the way you look at me. hungry. under the breath comments. under the table texts. behind their back offers to share your bed. because sleeping next to someone is so much better than sleeping alone. because every other girl had already gone home. your attraction is not real. it's horribly boring. and that's why i say no. not because i am afraid... but because you are.

oneword: match

"Stop denying that you aren't just like him. You never come home enough to see the good in him. Just like sometimes I have trouble seeing the good in you."

Sometimes, my brother's philosophizing hits me like a ton of bricks. I am no match for these inevitable genetics that I can't see, let alone acknowledge.