oneword: oven

preheated and awaiting the golden crust. the warmth.there is most definitely something cooking...the ooey gooey goodness that comes from it. i think i want to be there for that. i want to be a part of it. i WANT that.

oneword: arrow

The physics of it all. The fact that you can pull back, shoot, and wind up somewhere totally different from where you intended.

I am guessing my aim has been more than a little bit off.

oneword: stall

i was making progress in leaps and bounds. then i hit a wall. i stopped moving. my life just stalled out into a world of nothingness. all of the things i loved, and cherished just kinda faded out of the picture. i've woken up in the same place, not moving, everyday for more than one year in a row. how does one un-stall their lives and kick it back into motion?

i jump out of planes and ride horses and am learning to ride a motorcycle to keep in touch with the fact that i am alive. i exist too much these days. i want to remember how to live again. really live.

oneword: trot

We started at a slow crawl, sometimes not moving at all. We'd drag ourselves a few feet and then collapse, in a pile of our own indecision. But then something happened. A spark. A realization. A something. And then we picked ourselves up, got on our feet, started speed walking, trotting, jogging... and now.... who knows how far and how fast we'll move.

oneword: trot

a faster gait than a walk, but not quite as graceful as the three beat canter. you must learn to sit a trot in order to learn to canter. the rough transition between the two is usually where beginning riders fall. its very scary to be in that transition. faith in yourself and your ability are your only friends. i am terrified, not of the canter, but of the added possibility that i will fall off in the transition.

life at times is scary like this, and you just hold on and pray that you can do it, and that you don't fall. amen.

oneword: pie

Yes, things are sometimes simple, or at least seemingly so. If everything could be broken down into a sweet, warm, flaky crust enveloping a steaming gooey glob of goodness--familiar, reeking of tradition, satisfying an ever-lasting craving--then all would be well with the world.

oneword: apron

There is this side of me that has white-picket-fence aspirations. I've been told that my soul is older than my physical shell...and the thought of the warm cookies, the kids, the dog, the Stepford lifestyle seems appealing sometimes.

But then I think of the chokehold of the apron. The expectations of keeping house, and the pressure to keep the family running smoothly. Look at what happened to my mother. The panic attacks. The arguing. The loss of self-awareness.

That good ol' homestyle American dream? Well, it's just that.

oneword: paperback

I wish he was as easy to read.

oneword: knot

I am knot lovely--a mess of threads and twines of busted beds and lying lines, of twists and turns from nervous wrists and carpet burns.

A knot inspired. A knot that's tired.

So knot complicated.

oneword: wanted

to walk into a room and have your pulse immediately speed up. you feel a pair of eyes on you. you can feel the direction in which they are pulling you. you attempt to act natural. you avoid that direction at first, its just too much to take on. you feel something in side you expand to the point of bursting. your chest tightens and breathing becomes strained a little. and so the dance begins. who will waiver first. building higher and higher with every second. you can feel it get closer. every sense is heightened. just when you think you might explode...from behind you...

hi.

hi.

oneword: wanted

wanted:

a reason not to do my homework. to stay up late and smoke cigarettes on my back porch. to cook fancy meals. to buy cute underwear. to write love songs. to upgrade to unlimited text messaging. to agonize over a mixed cd. to change my sheets more regularly. to avoid puddles out of fear of being splashed.

a reason to stop onewords like these.

oneword: anxiety

the whole of me tingles with her sweet everythings. she whispers them in my ears and they ring and sing in octaves my stone steel colored alto voice could never hope to reach. and i call myself a realist to hide the deprecation behind a carefully woven cape of confidence that is true but full of swiss cheese arguments and for you literal readers that means there are massive. gaping. holes.

oneword: anxiety

It seeps in the tiny, forgotten crevices of my consciousness. It slips into my fortified world and crashes through my confidence where alongside moments of majesty, I find myself shaking and small.

oneword: collar

pop it.

bubble gum burst, baby. green glitter flecks of trouble bubble in your eyes. the haze of new city lights clear. fear ignites, among other things burning inside me now. my mind is no longer free... to focus on me.

i envision marks of my lipstick dancing on your collar, neck, cheeks, lips... there has been a rip in my time space continuum.

please. tear slowly.

oneword: bleep

censored scripts leave boring lips afraid to feel all the way to each of their finger tips. we hide seek and leave each other weak and waiting hating every nail bitten hail storm smitten second of it. i see you over there boy.

... i've been waiting for you.

oneword: cigarette

this was my major vice. that and coffee. used to be necessary for me to do anything. if i was happy i wanted one. if i was sad and crying my eyes out. i wanted one. it held onto me. nothing had ever had such a tight grip on me before. but it was the one thing, day or night, that i could depend on. i knew it would be there to comfort me. nothing else in my life has been as steady or as reliable. its an awful habit, and now if i had one. it would just make me extremely high and nauseous. they are now longer necessary. i suppose every vice could be viewed like that though. if you can break the habit...they become no longer necessary in your daily survival.

i'm keeping the coffee though.

oneword: fate

it may be stupid, or possibly naive...but i believe in fate. i still believe in meant to be and love at first site. i still believe in true love. sigh

oneword: bars

first, i thought about jails. then, i thought about drinking.

i'd rather think about the music. the way it runs together and through me, pumping out notes that speak out and up and yell everything that i want to say but can't.

oneword: gym

i have a feeling i am going to spend even more time in the gym these days. i can keep my brain from going, and i can distract myself there. i can work out my feelings and frustrations and fears in the gym. i do my best hiding in there. building the strength of my body in hopes that the inside will match the outside. i always feel better after the gym. its like sitting down to have a good cry, but without the tears and i end up feeling better about myself, and not quite so pathetic.

oneword: angels

ultimately, the walking wounded that you have forgotten to appreciate until its way too late. its beyond the point of saving when you have realized this. the time is limited to try to make up for it, but there is never any way to truly make it up. they forgive...they always do, even though they know it will never be enough to make up for it or take away the hurt. a little more breaks off each time. just a shell of broken pieces like a jigsaw puzzle. who will be their angel? who will help them put the pieces back together?