texture

under my fingertips I feel your rough edges
as much as I try to smooth them out, you won't let me
"they're what makes me me" you say
all the while the texture of my heart is being roughed up by your sandpaper words
I hope it never smooths out

oneword: stem

From one silly thought comes a foolish dream. And from that dream comes an idealistic desire. And from that desire comes my will to get up and fumble my way through each day, biding my time until all of the silliness, foolery, and idealism becomes my reality.

And from that reality will come the most breathtaking flower I have. ever. seen.

oneword: pedal

pluck these pretty piece of me
off one by one; need by need.

wear me down slow, work me in quick.
don't let any body know about it.

disappointments turn into doubts
and i think that now i've figured it out:

swear yourself to secrecy
but the bottom line is that
you might just be

... embarrassed to be seen with me.

oneword: bee

the only thing i can thing of is, "fuck bees."

oneword: fold

you've called my bluff. i resign this hand. relish this moment, as I will not resign another.

oneword: trasnparent

i see right through to you. you can mask things any which way you'd like, but it won't make a difference. you can even lie to yourself about it, but it won't make a difference. you are who you are.

oneword: spotlight

“no more lonely souls under changing leaves, and no more weary wrecks seeking harmony”*

for so long i’ve been wilting; malnourished; an aimless noctivagant

and now here i am (finally) at the boundary
there is white hot (blinding) luminance in front of me, and inky blackness behind me
i express default doubt (a lamentable crutch)

my toes are on the edge of the circle
i am unspeakably terrified and ineffably euphoric
i shield my eyes, hesitantly

*hwm

oneword: spotlight

front and center with all eyes on you. your heart pounds and your stomach starts to churn. your hands no longer function properly, dropping things. you even start to panic a little. short of breath. a moment of silence, a deep breath...

ready.set.

:strum:

Spotlight

Stoplight in this spotlight. Another time to get into the limelight. Another chance to get over this stage fright and fight for a chance to stand out.

oneword: spotlight

i can see you clearly now.

... hadn't really been focused before. you were a side note annoyance. something to just deal with... from time to time.

not anymore.

my skin crawls now. painfully -- acutely aware of your presence.

behaviors put themselves on exhibit! just like symptoms on a medical chart. thrust forward. directly. in my face.

sorry. i know. psychology students think they know everything.

must i make case studies out of everyone who puts me

... on a pedestal?

oneword: spotlight

there is this intensity about me that scares a lot of people away. it's like a spotlight-heavy beam of concentration that i can aim toward all the different performances I make in my day-to-day. the problem is that i can only see or do so much at once.

i'm finding that i have missed a lot.

oneword: stripes

Yikes! Stripes! Fruit stripe gum!

oneword: stripes

there's a scar on my arm where my ex wife tried to kill me with a butcher knife. its 10 years old but still white on sun tanned flesh. it's strange to consider now, that i thought that was how marriages went. my mother stabbed my dad in the face with a fork. my cousin tried to kill her man with an iron. i thought it was par for the course.

i think it's high time i changed my stripes.

ghost

another word: habit

... it creeps back into my internal clock. to wake up. to sit here, patiently. waiting to ignite the keys beneath these... fingers rooted like trees. to remember that there is a beauty about me.

oh! well come home, starz.

oneword: stripes

painted on this paper tiger. in the all too familiar pattern. as if you couldn't read it all over my face in every word i say, every step i walk, in every look i give to you. it bleeds in streaks with every pump of my heart. i have finally stood up and earned my moment. i have earned my rank in this establishment.

now give me my damn stripes. i believe that i have more than earned at least that.

oneword: stripes

black. white. black. white. paint me up and down... separate my tomorrows from yesterdays. but i never meant it in the way we say "this is right and you are wrong" because sharp contrasts bleed grey down here... underground. each line of color, threaded tightly to the next... we are not just a random sequence of events.

signpost

and it goes on and on, this ragged phantom caravan. relationships blossom or implode like tiny novas, shaking us to our very cores. and nothing changes and yet it's all different.

i wonder who we will be next time...



ghost

oneword: overflowing

this feeling comes over me in waves.

crashing down upon me over and over again.

the build up of what remains, long after the wave has come and gone.

that is enough to keep me hoping.

and somedays...i fill up with that hope, all the way up to the tippy top.

and even rarer still, but when it happens...its brilliant, i bubble over.

oneword: overflowing

there is always this eminent sense of return about me. i thought i had lost it--that overflowing need to sit down and hammer out another episode from the black squares beneath my fingertips.

and suddenly, i realize, i am running.

running because still, after all this time, i have not dealt with it. with this. with that. with anything.

there are things about me that i can never tell a soul in words. but the keys? don't lie.

oneword: handle

there is a limit as to how much burden one person can shoulder.

everyday i question myself as to whether or not i have reached mine.

i almost always tell myself no, and pretend i am superwoman and that i can take it, whatever it is.

i do have days that i am not superwoman, and i do reach my threshold. what i can't seem to handle seems more to be accepting that i have one, and that i just can't handle something...at least not on my own.

oneword: handle

instincts pull me to type "i can't handle this."

but is that force really instinct... or habit?

i have been playing the self doubt card for too long. especially because i know that it has been a front from the beginning.

i can handle this. and whatever else you want to throw at me.

... i guess the cop out has been that i didn't really want to.