oneword: point

i used to think that the whole point of falling in love was so you could find "the one," get married, have kids, and live happily ever after on your proverbial porch swing, watching the sun go down every night while you sip tea and talk about how fast it all went by.

this probably comes as no surprise to my older counterparts here...

but maybe, we fall in love to learn more about ourselves. our soul mate is whoever happens to unlock us in our truest forms. maybe it's a lot less about being together....and a lot more about being YOU.

GRE: turpitude

tur·pi·tude n. depravity; baseness; vile, shameful, or base character.

go terps? fear the turtle?

moral perversion. the stuff that really makes my skin crawl. when all the perceptional greys of right and wrong get so cloudy that you ignore that blatant, incessant thump of thump of your heart beating faster and crawling up the back of your throat because you know what you're doing is wrong. that's what scares me the most. when we justify committing these sins against each other with self serving excuses. and only the really good liars - they are the only ones who manage to convince themselves that they don't have to take any responsibility.

GRE: aberrant

aberrant adj. deviating from normal or correct.

what a lovely way to begin. this word, this aberrant, rubbing in the fact that my entire desired "career" path makes no sense. that it's different. that it's barely understood, let alone accepted. such a smart girl i was, such an over achiever. everything was there. right in line. right on time. why couldn't i have just gotten a full time gig like everyone else? or better yet, why couldn't i have taken the GRE back then? why couldn't i have just done what was normal?

hello. my name is aberrant. and i am a unique snowflake.

...just maybe not in the good way.

GRE: an explanation

The Graduate Record Examination (GRE) is the biggest obstacle standing between me and my future endeavors. I have been pretending to study for this BITCH of a standardized test for 3 months now... and have made no headway.

Straight memorization has never been something I have managed to transition out of short-term memory into long-term internalization and understanding. The only thing that works for me is some sort of creative attachment.

So. I'm going to pick a bunch of my vocab words that I am having trouble remembering... and oneword the shit out of them. Feel free to join me, or suggest words that you think I should know the meaning of.

Ready, set, educate!

wordcount #4: to

to and fro echoes stops. and goes with the flow or maybe fights that undertow, a rip-tide flowing, curling, pulling through everything we do or at least try to. when motions take on feelings they become eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemotions. and i know no matter where i go or how i move, this ride is anything other than smooth.

oneword: spark

daydreams dance electric. neon signs at the back of yours and the back of mine. mind your manners and the mess i've left. nothing behind. nothing between us. nothing except the best kiss i can remember. the only kiss i can remember other than his. you only call me when i am gone and now that i am home you aren't. why did i have to feel that spark?

oneword: spark

oh, what will it take to get this fire started...or should i mourn the loss of another love departed?

flickers of ecstasy. they linger. only time will tell if they are the beginning of a roaring inferno...or the cold, unforgiving ashes of another mistake.

oneword: delicate

flower? oh, my sweet little cliche. i've been in love with the likes of you since before the day... i blossomed -- late, it's true, but with a little taste of me and a whole plate of you. explosions more like drum beats on top of the sheets instead of in between. i felt those moon beams that radiated while i masturbated to the ideal of happily ever after all the broken pieces are glued together in this new picture of forever and ever and ever. amen. again. again. and again and again.

oneword: delicate

my thick-skinned facade
is like an armor, almost, rippled,
everything i hate most about myself,
stitched and fired until it glows red hot,
settling in that cold gray i've become all too comfortable hiding beneath.
i am not tough. i am not strong.
what i am,
is a liar.
i can break my own heart on a daily basis.
i worry that if i poke my head out,
someone will deem me too delicate to make it,
out in the real world,
where i could actually get hurt.
or worse, i may not remember how to feel anything at all.

oneword: graffiti

you were there, unexpectedly last night, smearing across my dreams. recklessly, haphazardly, as if some sort of amateur artist had sloppily plastered your face there. i didn't think i would ever see you there again...or that i would ever feel so much longing when i finally pried myself away long enough to wake up.

graffiti. sometimes forgotten. looked down upon because it isn't what most would consider art.

but then again, i always saw you a bit differently. and unfortunately, i think you will always be around. even if i don't want to look at you.

oneword: graffiti

Splattered across every crumbling surface across every crumbling city exists a raw testament to art. Through the ages of this world and perhaps even others, we see this crystal clear artifact. One that shows rage, love, curiosity, and hope.

Amateur or not, this is a relentlessly honest record of life.

oneword: stick

I am a stick. A skinny minny. A peanut. I am thin...ish. I have always been a small person. My mom says she gave me the perfect dancer's body, sans the chest. With that idea of perfection, I see it as failure when I have any bulge in my mid-section. I mean, I should have a six-pack, right?

And somehow the perfect dancer's body and large chest have managed to govern much of my self-perception and my experience with men. I have lived my life trying to meld my understanding of me into a content understanding of my body.

Maybe being a stick isn't so great after all...

oneword: want

What do I want? Nothing tangible or material. Those things can fade, tarnish, and break down into something unrecognizable.

It's hard to explain, really. But I want realNESS. I am in search of purity. Truth in its simplest form. I want anything and everything that hasn't been buried beneath the bullshit.

oneword: scarf

wrap it up, up, up and around that neck and collarbones that peek out when you cringe or turn your head or clench your teeth together so tightly or giggle until everyone is laughing along with you. cover up that vulnerability so i can't see it anymore, because every time i do i want to dance lightly over it with my lips and feel it in between my hips and love you like you never loved me back.

oneword: villain

I want to blame you for the shots, for the mornings I woke up with my head still spinning, in tears, not sure what happened the night before. I'd love to point my finger at you and say "This is the reason I became what I'd become."

But at the end of the day, you weren't the one pouring the drinks. The real villain, the one most responsible for the hole I'm still trying to climb out of, is me.

oneword: occasion

What's the occasion, you ask?

I am celebrating new beginnings...and the fear they inspire. We are walking into unchartered territory. Or maybe we have been there before, but are going back by moving forward.

Step, step, step. Here we go.

oneword: carefully

one foot in front of the other, meticulously planned steps. back on familiar ground, knowing one false step and it will collapse all over again forcing you to go all the way back to the beginning to rebuild it all again. all of that hard work could be out the window once again if you fall. its no wonder i am being so very exteremely careful this time around.

oneword: carefully

It feels good to come out of hiding. I am peeling off layers to show him what I am most afraid of, slowly, carefully. I work with gentle hands, because I am afraid that if I tear again, I may not be able to pull myself back together.

oneword: chrysaliz

stuck, stewing... in the middle of things. can't move. can't breathe. but most of all, it hurts when i try to sing. this transition is the hardest one. because i am immobile. waiting. praying. that out of this cocoon i will emerge a butterfly. fingers are crossed. but faith is wavering.

oneword: memory

My memories of you and our friendship are fading. I can't remember the last time I called you to give you good news, or showed up at your door in tears because he made me feel like shit again. Whatever once aligned us has split down the middle, and I think we're both grasping at threads now.

Dinner here. Lunch there. Meaningless dribble about everyone but ourselves. Emptiness is looming, and I am scared to admit that I'm willing to let you go.

oneword: holiday

Drink your beers, America. Go have your barbeques, wear red, white and blue, and spend your money at the great sales going on this weekend.

But don't forget, there's actually an underlying story beneath all this hoopla.

oneword: favor

i wish i could do myself a favor...and stop being afraid of opening up to someone again, letting my walls down, and being emotionally intimate. i see my parents, trapped in nothing less than a loveless marriage, and i can't help but wonder if the same is eventually in store for all of us.

is there really a point to it at all?

oneword: favor

"Can I ask you a favor?"

"Sure, what is it?"

"Can you lay under my tire?"

"Uh, I guess so. Why?"

"You'll see ... Yep, right there ... no, get your head a little closer ... Yep, that's it."

"Ouch!"

More Catch up

oneword: trail

a different setting than the arena. a nice cool ride through the trees in the forest. i used to plan fantasy trail rides for 10 year olds and hide popcorn somewhere out on the trail, along with whatever "treasure" we had the kids looking for. most of the young kids bought that we were in the old west or egypt, just by rubbing your eyes until you see spots. it was fun for them, and they got microwavable popcorn. this popped into my head because it was a much simpler time when i was Miss Vicky, a funny, goofy, knowledgeable counselor that swam in the kiddie pool in her jeans for a laugh.

oneword: storm

right before, you know its coming. the winds shift, there is a chill in the air, and there is this electiricity in the air that you can just feel all over. everything gets dark. you hear a clap of thunder in the distance and it starts to pour. then mother nature provides you with her very own lightshow. you count from the time you see the lightning bolt to the time you hear the thunder to know how far away it hit. i just happen to love storms now, but they used to scare the crap out of me when I was little.

one word: Cupcake

delicious, cakey goodness and only worth something like five points in weight watchers.