Oneword: Aware

Before reading please be aware a rash of normality broke out when I wrote this. Apologies?


"Aware of the fare" is not a phrase as often employed as it could be. Buses, trains and planes could all use this yet to be discovered marketing gem. "Please Sir & Madam be Aware of the Fare"

oneword: aware

this desire to feel more than cold bedsheets beneath my fingertips has overtaken me. it is not the touch of skin i want, i'm not looking for an easy lay...or any lay for that matter. i want to feel the heat that comes from being recognized, acknowledged, and understood. such a shame when the warmth from my family is a fire that i have to beat back and run away from.

and as i age, i am becoming more and more aware of the fact that i am not enough, will never be enough, to them. sometimes, at my worst, i find myself actually accepting the idea that i am not enough to anyone, not even myself.

oneword: held

my house is a scary place to be at night, all alone. nothing but the sound of tapping keys and the fan on my laptop. i guess i can hear my heart too, especially when i think about what a shock i've had this month. i don't want to keep running in the same patterns, seeing the same people, doing the same things. i want growth and change and on nights like these, it all seems so...so possible. i don't want to be held back by my own need for comfort.

i need new excitement. the quick heart beat, the nerves, even the trembling. anything to jump start this stagnated existence. anything to remind me that i can still walk in all directions.

oneword: suspend

hanging here in the uncertanty that is my life at the moment.
after months and months of it, i just can't handle it anymore.
nothing is moving, nothing is changing, except my stress level is growing.
i am not growing from this, and this is not a helpful experience.
i do not need a reminder that my family is just not there for me when i need them.
i do not need to wonder how i am going to pay my bills, again.
i keep revisiting this place. no matter how i manage to crawl out.
i always seem to fall right back into this blackhole.
i am stuck in this place where i do not seem to know anything about my life.
i certainly do not remember why i did it in the first place.

oneword: suspend

emptyfullwhitenoisemadness.

my headspace.

hanging here, floating here, waiting here for the eye of the storm.

planning here, plotting here, preparing here for the real storm to arrive.

my headspace.

will be ready when she finally arrives.

my headspace.

will make a katrina a masterpiece.

oneword: held

When my what-ifs and maybes and why-me's start suffocating me, choking me, my needs are simple. When I take an oozie to my foot and blow a hole in it I'm not sure I can mend, my needs are simple. When the world I made for myself whips me upsidedown and flips my reality insideout, my needs are simple. When my sanity explodes in my face, all I need is one thing.

To be held by you.

I hope my eyes show you these things, because I haven't figured out yet how to say them out loud.

Oneword: Suspend

..See
yoU
..Staring
..Pointedly,
..Ever
..Not
..Doubting


Envious

wordcount #9 & #10: is & was

forgive me, please. the vanity that oozes from this stream of consciousness might ruin your shoes.

present tense. less tense, actually. at least in regards to that thump thump. the here, the now... it pokes what was in the eye... and almost laughs while the past bleeds down the front of my shirt.

categorically speaking, i am much less of an idiot now. still an idiot, for sure... but not as urgently so.

the back then still stings, though. knocks me on my ass with how the pain can still feel like new. and yet it's strange; sort of comfortable. like visiting home even though you know living there again would kill you.

there are reflections of the past in the present. and questions about the present in the future. but the questions are just that - QUESTIONS - not fear. i trust the present to be what it is. and that is something the past could never give me.

one thing is for certain: i do not miss that fake, painful smile.

oneword: suspend

disbelief.

the walls wax logistical and close in on me, sitting here squished with all of these hopes and dreams.

no one seems to follow through, it seems. not even me, unless you base your results on in con sisten cy.

the calendar hangs time in pretty little cubes. and one by one, these boxes ensue. blocked out. fucked up. gone.

do we write things down just to make sure something is left behind?

oneword: suspend

if i could suspend time, it would be at these moments. i give myself up to you all in one-minute increments. the flow, the only true thing that seems to come out of my fingertips anymore. this is more than hitting keys. this is more than sharing. this is more than exposure. THIS may be one of the few things that i continue to care about, even if i don't always the time to do it.

i guess in an off-handed way, this is my thanks. to you. to us. to this website. just for being here.

oneword: cow

What a simple life she lives: up with the sunrise, feeling the cool moisture of possibility mist across her face, knowing she only has contentment ahead. Day after day. She is certain her life is her own. Day after day. A nice man brings her food, and she has fields upon fields of luscious green at her feet. Day after day. Everything is the same. It is normal.

Until one day. The rules change. No one consulted her. They just decided it was time for her time to end. And that was it. It turns out, day after day, her life was not her own.

Somebody else's selfish desire dictated her destiny.

ONEWORD: Startled

He jumped down my throat, and I jumped out of my skin. What did he want to do that for? Why would he try to scare me like that? I love him, and all he did was try to hurt me. Couldn't he have just lightly caressed my skin instead?