... ceremony

a whole lot of timing. a whole lot of tip toe and hands to hold along with breath that you forget to take as the man next to you starts to nod off and it doesn't even matter what exactly we are here for, but that we do it in the right order.

deadly?! oh, there are way more than seven.

...sin

lizzi...
so necessary are these mistakes we make and rules we break so carelessly like the countless hearts without even knowing the hurt we've caused. it's all connected and all a part of it and i refuse to deny existence by limiting myself to only the good and only the right and i...

jade...
sweet, it is and i get lost in between all of the lies you force down my throat and i don't mind because this thing can at least be real to me and that really is all that matters so carry me away, please on these... my stale and boring dreams that everyone has but no one does shit about...

scarlet...
my home. my safe. but only because you won't let me be anywhere else. you want me to be wrong and bad and i will live up to all of your expectations on this upside-down pedestal i fall up from every night as you lay there wishing you could say all those things to me that you could never tell anyone else and i swear...

raiding angelina jolie's undie drawer...

tomb.

yeah, i'm a little bit dead inside. this body i walk around in trying to distract myself from how the death is eating away at my insides could be called a tomb... if you wanted to be melodramatic about it. and i suppose that i'm really good with that sort of thing, usually coupled with self deprecation.

lizzi plays catch up...

i figured that since most of us can slip up every now and again, it would be fun to try and play a new game to get us back in the swing of things. when i miss a really good word, i get uber frustrated and fill my brain with shoulda coulda woulda's... so why not type them up too?
shenry, this might be a good idea for you over the weekends. i rarely see you post during them. SUMBUDDY's a cubicle surfer.
anyway... all i did was try to string the words i missed on oneword together. they are in bold. lemme know if you dig this.


on some far away, magical summer day, i played a rainy softball game. the tears fell down casually, playfully but still covered me completely. who's idea was it to get white jerseys?
but i played on, seeing through my sexual fantasies of me and "i thought you knew." and as the evening fell, the wind picked up. it carried with it a bite that made me shiver they way i do when fingertips dance on my hips. i was shaken up, no doubt, running circles around what i thought you cared about. and in this dizzy tradition, i tumbled to the ground just like the rain drops before me.
and then you stood over me, looking down and shaking your head. i know for a fact that this time... it wasn't something that i had said.
shut up and let me hurl my silence at you. let my wants and needs be unnecessary frosting on the cake that nobody wants but eats anyway. because it's there.
and i sit there pulling up grass and rolling in the dirt, but darkness won't cover up any of the stains even when midnight strikes along with a new batch of rain.
it's time to get up and find my way home. my way away from you and them and all those plays that i should have made. but there is nothing- no map to guide. here's where we get cheesy and realize that the journey we have to take is all inside...
our minds and hearts and the focus drips off of my fingers and hair and gathers in a puddle i just want to soak myself into, letting me disappear. i don't care if it IS just a retreat- an escape.

maybe delusion is just better than intuition.

... of or in accordance with organized society.

civil liberties and edible g-strings get stuck in-bewteen my teeth and waivering self esteem.

going through the motions of "how are you" when you really just worry about everyone wanting to fuck everyone else and you wonder when that sort of thing won't matter anymore...

civil

civil liberties and securities. ben franklin said that a country that sacrifices the former for the latter deserves neither. he was right.

rainy

the news said its raining in new york. again and again it rains in new york. over the concrete and asphalt. the suits and beggars. puddles ebb and flow with the passing of taxi tires, and splash her so.

frosting

white landscape flat and barren. sand the color and texture of sticky-icky powdered bone. sit and die in the desert (dessert) of malnutrition.

better

You are no better than the roaches you associate with. You and your six-legged friends that come out when the lights are dimmed. You scavenge tiny bits and tiny crumbs from the kitchen floor where I cook my work ethic with heated sweat and effort. But you, you come along and take the scraps of everything I have done. And the sad part is that my scraps are 100 times better than anything you can come up with on your own. Roachfucker. One of these days I'll come out in the middle of the night with a can of RAID and flip the intellectual switch that sends your filthy ass scurrying under the fridge. It's a long run to the fridge, and the flat linoleum leaves you vulnerable. You are mine. Maybe I'll step on your head instead of flooding you with aerosol poison. Yes, stepping on your head will be much more satisfying. Crunch.

give me your lips and just let me kiss them...

mouth

as scarlet ideals:
it seems that i have fallen- i must have tripped. over my heart and right smack into your lips. breathing you in, moving from tiny, little sips to urgent slurps, sucks and drips.

as jaded hope:
i should have known that all the love you spit was counterfeit bullshit. i should have known that it was just skin on skin and spit mixed within a mountain built on disrespect, lies and ... hope.

as lizzi face:
mouth off to me like that again, little miss, and i swear by stone that you will live long enough to regret it and us and what we thought we had here in the dark but i can't seem to remember beacause, well i think you forgot.

mouth

that kid has quite the fucking mouth on him, doesn't he? always with the gum flapping, liquid wet shit from the mouth nonsensical ravings of an ADD afflictied teenage looney toon.

mouth

mouth. lend me your tongue and give me control. i'll slip it around and enjoy the sliding bliss of open-mouthed kiss.

secluded

turn me outside in and i become engulfed within my own reality. i am secluded from the rest, for all i see and all i hear and all i feel is myself.

forget me nots smell funny...

unforgettable

as jade
you aren't. no one is. the brain forgets for reasons within our scientific knowledge, i'm sure... but the soul forgets because it has to.
without forgetting there is no importance in remebering.

as scarlet
people tell me that i should forget about all of these self destrcutive things and silly things like talk of dreams and moon beams and bubbling streams that lead me into extreames where black is right and wrong is white.

as... well... me, i suppose
shots in the dark make for the most interesting photos and i take thousands of them hoping to catch you in just one frame. proving that you were there and that you existed and that this burn you have left on my heart from the flame of your own next to mine is there for a reason outside of my own head.

dangle

dangle that funk. drop down, James Brown. do the splits and shout, "take me to the bridge." it's cool. it's cold. it's frigid.

... destination: as jaded hope

anywhere, really. as long as i'm there. that's all i'm looking for. my brother has found that in his current state of infatuation and while i do feel sorry for him... part of me is so jealous to be there too. wherever, there is really. as long as he's there.

... destination: as scarlet ideals

of course i was mad.
we were supposed to end up all tangled up with my skirt pulled up and his head all doped up and it's just too bad that this is all made up.

... destination

unkown? i'd like to have a mohawk someday. but then i'd have to deal with more lesbian comments. i have enough already. i miss my friends back in maryland. the real ones. i don't feel very poetic right now... mainly because everything else around me is.

... weapon

daggers, they said her eyes were like. so original. pools of blue ice and fire, they said her eyes were like. so prolific. a window inside a soul that maybe should be kept a mystery, they called her eyes. so insightful.
but he just called them pretty... and part of her died inside.

... weapon: as jaded hope

my weapon of choice is honesty.

but not the easy, every day kind. the stuff that is left unsaid, hanging on the misconceptions of your perceptions. i say what no one wants to hear but NEEDS to hear and the power in uncovering a truth so blatantly ignored moves me beyond words.

... weapon: as scarlet ideals

my weapon on choice is fire.

heat. the flame usually coming from inside of me, sometimes between myself and the people around me, but mostly between a boy eye's and the area in between my thighs.

small

I crawl across the cobblestone floor and fall through the small cracks between the stones into a universe unseen

include

include the diluted deluded aftereffects of a tuna overconsumption. mercury. hg. feel the toxic metal accumulating in the brainstem, feeding psychosis of neurosis by devouring the central nervous system.