oneword: husband

... not quite yet. but there is hope.

oneword: still

i was sick of couch potato still. sick of tired, aching, self-pity still. sick of being sick still. sick of numbing a brain, dead from stress, with reality tv and that 70's show reruns still. sick of running around all day - rich in movement for the good of others - but leaving no choreography for me still. well. no more. but still.

oneword: artistry

swirling acrylics pasted to the canvas. creating and swishing and swirling, so excited about this creation, this new start. excitment, nervousness and a little bit of fear. what if it is terrible? what if it is a mess? what if it is not what I want? what then? do i wipe the canvas and start clean, or is that more scary than trying to fix what is there? what if i start again and it is worse than what was previously there?

oneword: artistry

Not just art – good art. The implication of skill. Talent. A standard. But of what, exactly? Technique? Originality? Realism? Emotivism? I may have just made that last word up. I digress… sometimes my favorite works of art are the ones that come out nothing like how I wanted them to. I suppose that means I am an amateur. Good.

Artistry

Ripples of color, light and sound breeze by me like a breath of fresh air. Smallest details turn my heart into lava bubbling with excitment and passion at the mere prospect of the creativity about to wash over me, like a cold ocean wave that is both terrifying and invigorating all at the same time.

oneword: shepherd

Grab me by the hand and lead me through this because i do not know that i can navigate this on my own. I feel like I am messing everything up, and have broken things beyond mending. I do not feel like i am a good person any more. I have made poor choices. If i had it to do over again…I would do it differently. What’s done is done, and I must live with that, but I dont know how I am going to get through it. It tears at me from the inside. I need to find my way back to good.

oneword: shepherd

Push. Pull. Guide. Lead. Shape. Facilitate. Appreciate. Yes, I still masturbate. But far less frequently. I suppose I need to work on that. Did I ever consider myself a shepherd? No. More like a persistent, whiny person who liked to tell people what to do. Things have changed. But I am still whiny.