namesake

feels of forever since
i've seen your faces,
touched your soft places,
read your minds,
enjoyed your lines.

i've made like a
counting crows song
around here.

sorry, mom.
sorry, Jesus.


ghost

oneword: grown

These baby buds of hesitations and self deprecating questions have been nurtured over time.

By thunderstorm water cans, rainy day sunshine and selfish boy miracle grow... vines now climb to the moon and blossoms are rich and in full bloom.

This garden feels like home and seems to satisfy all of my needs, but upon a closer look the vines are thorned and the flowers are all really just weeds.

Stepping back from the moment

Stepping back from the moment was I think a sign of maturity, and sense. That surprised me as much as the impulse that prompted the stepping back. Mid sentenance I noticed her lips, and a forgotton memory eased free. An involuntary smile flitted across my face, and a gently laugh was surpressed.

Her lips were familiar in the way that a mother is familiar if you have met the daughter. She had the same lips that Mel had. Except she was a woman, and Mel is still a teenager, and ever will be. Mel was my first kiss. Mel is the standard all others are measured against. Mel is still 15, even though I have grown on.

I can still remember the sensual nature of that kiss, and fancy that the taste has never really left. But most of all I remember the big feeling from those small gentle lips. How could this little person have such power, and how could such a small little part of a person evoke so much.

And here in front of me is a stranger with the same lips, (but the adult version). So I had to step back. To enjoy the memory, and to ensure I did not get lost within it. Such Tempation! I have quietly added this moment to the memory of Mel, and will enjoy it on the quiet afternoons this winter. A little warmth to keep the blues away.

oneword: hostage

you've returned, and as always, are holding me in fear. i want to flee for my life, but you have cemented me right where i stand. i am stuck. i cannot move forward and there is definitely no turning back. i hate you for this. i hate you for this.

one day i will break this hold you have over me and i will escape. i will never be afraid of you again.

overdosing

maybe i could just overdose on mediocrity and start again.

i think i'm the only one i know who dreams in equations.

God, i hate math.




ghost

oneword: flashback

blink your eyes and your transported to a moment in time that haunts you. you can't shake it, you can't escape it. that moment you regret. you were afraid and now you'll never know. it eats away at you. you are reminded of that moment you didn't take what you wanted. steal it away into the night. you freeze frame on that moment. that one fucking moment that you had your opportunity to take it over. where you chickened out. and you snap back to reality. to now. this moment. and you realize...how long ago that was. let it go. live in the present moment. live here. live now. And you vow not to let another one of those moments pass you by. WAKE UP!

oneword: maid

Clean and purge this body. Empty out the dust, the dirt, the defenses. Shine some light into the shadows, and scatter the parasitic doubts. This is the time for rebirth, regrowth, rejuvenation. This is the time for me to emerge as I was meant to be. Glowing and radiant with the knowledge that I am in control. I am ready.

oneword: strung

tense and sharp like the strings were pulled too tight. badly out of tune and madly — full of fight. rings around fin­gers around necks. scream­ing lyrics of a lust that hasn’t hap­pened yet. out and up and turned around… where yes­ter­days hap­pen tomor­row and the sky lives underground.

oneword: secure

One day I would love to feel completely free to be who I am. I am afraid that I am not good enough...for anything, or anyone. I am working on that though. I am working to one day put myself ahead of other people. I am working to believe in myself, and to believe that I am a good person. I am working on my self esteem, and trying to build it. I would say re-build it, but it was never really quite stable. I think that I have spent entirely too long thinking the worst of myself, and hating myself. I am trying to learn to love myself and to respect myself. I am working to look myself in the mirror and like the person that is looking back at me.

oneword: trend

Like elastic bent into stupid shapes and colors, these things that fade in and out.

Beating to the tunes of our childhoods, adolescences, and adulthoods.

Vh1 devotes hours to poking fun. They're used as conversation pieces at parties, hidden deep inside the sea of red cups and Jungle Juice.

It's almost like we forget how much the trends define our lives--in all of its stages.

So salute the Silly Bandz, the Pogs, the Tamogotchi's, the Blackberry's, the I-pods, the Beanie Babies...not just because, for a brief moment, they've managed to bring us all together, but for the memories they've passed along.

oneword: wash

Every once and a while I need to wash myself clean, taking all of the grime that no longer serves me so I can move forward with a fresh perspective.

Yesterday, I started with my apartment. I cleaned, I vacuumed, I did laundry, I lit a candle, and could finally breathe. I still have so much to do, but this is a start.

oneword: balloon

I used to be scared of balloons. Okay, not balloons themselves--not their floatiness or their celebratory power...but the sound of them popping. And the fear that they would. I was also scared of fireworks, fire engines (especially when Santa Claus rode through my neighborhood on one around Christmas), and thunder. Any loud noise, really. No matter how expected. See that's the thing. Most of the time...we see this stuff coming. And I chose to cower.

Thank God for the maturation of my ear drums.

oneword: depth

Strip yourself of unneeded layers, fill your lungs with air, close your eyes, and dive into the depths of your imaginings. Swim around in them. Flip, swirl, and roll. Open your eyes down there, watch how everything seems to blur and mold into a beautiful alternate reality. When you come up for air, remember what it looked like. Remember what it felt like. One day it will surface and you will thrive.

oneword: chained

After so much excitement, so much relief, so much truth telling and exploration, this ball and chain is still here. It is still digging into my flesh, even more so, and I wish more than ever that it didn't exist, that it never existed in the first place.

If only my wish could make it real. If only dreams coming true were that easy.

Turns out it's hard work, and the pretty, pastel picture I painted for my life--the one that is making me gag at the thought--is even harder to escape. This is going to take more effort than simply making a decision. It is going to take action. Follow-through. Faith that all if it is for the right outcome, the real right outcome.

Until I lose myself in that faith and that action, all at the same time, no time, and all the time, I will be chained to the nagging, splenda-sweetened, good life. The one I've spent so long convincing myself I should live.

oneword: detour

this is no detour. this is paying your dues. writing this paper is all i have to do. it's all i need to keep my on this path. to get to that place where i can do what i love all the time. i will try to stop complaining. i should be grateful that this is the only thing in my way. it's just a fucking paper.

oneword: fireflies

sometimes the music makes the words better.

oneword: industry

in dust, we try to rise up. in hope, we try to get going. in fear, we lie back down.

in love, we do it over and over.

oneword: blocks

Built high and bold, in all sorts of shapes and designs, I create my world. When the foundation lacks the appropriate strength, or when my elbow inadvertently gets in the way--when the blocks tumble to the ground, I look at the new patterns emerging, I take a deep breath, and I begin again. This is not a loss. It is not a set-back. It is just a step in the process. Step by step, piece by piece, block by block, I am building the future I desire. The future I deserve.

she died yesterday

i've known her for ten years. i haven't seen her in a year or more. she died yesterday.

ah, malorie, you are gone too soon. rest in peace, sweet sweet girl.




ghost

oneword: cranky

normally, i am bitter, angry and upset at the world. right now, though, i am sitting in an okay place. even if it is only momentary. i am grateful to see some light in the darkness that i have existed in. nothing is fixed and none of my problems have vasnished, but i did something for me to take care of myself, and i am proud of myself for my accomplishment. i am going to ride that high out before i become cranky once again.